the alfmeister

a figment of reality's imagination


the alfmeister

rules and regulations around appropriate use and distribution of this site as well as the gratuitous mention of hot chicks in skimpy bikinis

Version 1.0 Sept 11


1 – Welcome, pull up a pew   

2 – Joining the cult website                                                                       

3 – Accessing knowledge                                                                      

4 – Providing Material                                                                                       

Appendix, Spleen, and Other Associated Organs 

1. Welcome, Pull Up a Pew…Coffee?

1.1.     Accessing has been likened to the flocking of Flamingo off Florida; unexplained yet a vision of beauty to behold.

1.2.     While browsing the site it is recommended you be pissed, under the influence, or have a low self-esteem. Only in these catatonic states will the site be considered anything remotely resembling enjoyment.

1.3.     While there is no dress standard to view the site, due to technology allowing one way viewing via your web-cam, guys must be fully clothed, hot chicks in skimpy bikinis can wear either said article of clothing, however clothing is not compulsory.

1.3.1.   Fat and ugly girls are most welcome to attend, however inappropriate sexual advances may not be forthcoming

1.4.     In the unlikely event of laughter, please contact your nearest GP for a full health check-up. If cost or time does not allow, please switch off your life support as it can safely be assumed you are brain-dead

1.4.1.  Germans who laugh will be considered a biological curiosity

1.4.2.   Americans are not funny when they try to be, only when the rest of the world laugh at them. No “Canned Laughter” option is available on this site.

1.5.     No Malware or Spyware is knowingly stored within the confines of this site. With this in mind please feel free to provide bank account details as well as usernames and passwords and these will not be shared with persons knowingly living in Nairobi. But should relatives of dead Africans do require financial assistance to bank millions of dollars (or other going currencies) in my account I will duly provide your details for a small percentage of the takings

1.5.1.  Should takings from above not be forthcoming, no such percentage towards said losses will be parted with by the Establishment

1.6.     In the interest of ratings, please do not allow more than two people to view the site at once from the same PC/laptop/iPhone/iPad. Please forward any links to friends and family so that additional visitors will show on the counter.

1.7.     Material may be used in a teaching environment, and as required, used as a sexual stimulant.

1.8.     Changes to the above may be made at anytime, with no prior warning.

2. Joining the cult website

2.1.     The definition of cult website is the given address Links to partner sites are not considered as part of the cult website but all monies garnered by them will be payable as commission to the Establishment.

2.1.1.   Use of the term cult will not be tolerated however should any Armed Defenders be called out the defence of the alfmeister will be compulsory by all subscribers

2.2.     Once ensconced within the site it is expected that each reader will spend no fewer than 5mins browsing to allow time for Malware and Spyware to work.

2.2.1.  Please refer to Rule 1, Para 1.5

2.3.     Subscription to the site is not compulsory however big scary black fuckers may (or may not) be required to call round to your residence to request an obligation-free survey on why you didn’t

2.3.1.  The above clause has a by-clause stating that subscription is in fact compulsory

2.3.2.   If the visitor feels as inclined to consider his or her life expendable in the instance of afore-mentioned big scary black fuckers then the option to “Follow” the website will only result of destruction of property and one, maybe two fingers

2.3.3.   The term ‘big scary black fuckers’ is not termed as a derogatory, nor racist term. In fact, the best of my paid hitmen are in fact big scary black fuckers.

2.3.4.  This site does not use, nor ever has used the following; Hispanics, Asians, Gurkhas, White Supremicists. Any belief that this is a form of discrimination is just a pigment of your imagination.

2.4.     Comments are a means to an end to determine the appropriateness, legality, validity, and understanding of the material.

2.4.1.   Comments are not compulsory, however in the case where material was linked via Facebook and Twitter, comments should be directed via the site itself rather than on the publicised links.

2.4.2.  All comments are welcome until read by the Establishment at which Para 1.3.2 may be enforced

2.4.3.  All comments are the property of the Establishment for the use in promotional videos, advertisements, and as evidence should any member of the Establishment be indicted for tyranny or Copyright

3. Accessing Knowledge

3.1      Use of the material on this site remains the responsibility of the user, for use by the user. Where it is commonly determined that knowledge is power, the information on this site has the destructive power of two Chuck Norris’. Please treat with due respect and with asbestos gloves.

3.1.1    A Chuck Norris is the equivalent of half an alfmeister

3.2.     Where any despot has been overthrown by rebellious forces, all traces of this site must be destroyed under the directive of the United Nations and NATO Forces. Under no circumstances should this power be allowed to fall into the hands of Liberals or struggling actors. Bag ladies are also considered a threat.

3.3.     What goes on tour, stays on tour

3.4      Only Microsoft sanctioned DVDs or CDs must be used in the transportation of information from one site to another. Failure to do so may result in parallel universes colliding and the world as it currently exists may be sucked into a vortex which will place life in a space-time continuum.

3.4.1.     The only thing faster than this event is a neutrino, apparently

3.5       All quotes must be attributed to the alfmeister

3.6.     This does not apply where there may be a breach in Copyright from other sources.

3.7       the alfmeister apologises for any offence caused to any other person (other than Green and Labour party members), however does not apologise for making any statement

3.8     Please direct all complaint correspondence to someone who gives a flying fuck

3.8.1     the alfmeister does NOT give a flying fuck

3.9     Gratuitous use of hot chicks in skimpy bikinis (or other form showing clothing, or lack thereof) is purely to the preference of the alfmeister. All girls not yet pleasured by the alfmeister need not contact him. He will come to you, eventually. 4 Billion women and only one alfmeister…patience is a virtue.

3.9.1     Hotter chicks will always take preference over ugos.

6. Providing Material

6.1      Any material presented to the alfmeister or his nominated persons will be deemed useless until such time as it shows on the site.

6.2       If presented material makes the final cut onto the site, it becomes the property of the Establishment until such time as it is deemed hopeless or unfunny. In this case the original source will be named and Rule 2 Para 1.3.2 will take effect

Appendix, Spleen, and Other Associated Organs (incl. finus maximus)

1)   The use of media in this blog that is not the original property of the alfmeister was  not used with the intention of breaching any Copyright Laws here or there or anywhere. Said media have been used in a non-profit manner (other than funds fed through overseas accounts for the purposes of assisting rebels fight the establishment as well as paying for hot chicks in skimpy bikinis) to accentuate a point with the post it is associated with.

2)   Where material has been presented for use in this site, due diligence has been given in naming the source of said information. If not, take a cup of “tough titties”.

3)   Any issues with the above clauses please refer to Clauses 7 & 8 in the Appendix to the Appendix following.

4)   The use of any material (written or otherwise) used in casual conversation, reprinted for international press publications, or quoted in speeches by dignitaries and politicians for the purpose of world domination is allowable on the following provisos;

a)      Full disclosure of the alfmeister’s  learnings must be made to all readers, listeners, cult followers and hot chicks in skimpy bikinis

b)      Mention of the fact that the alfmeister  was the single influence on your quest for tyranny must be made and instead of common terminology such as “God”, “Allah”, “My Parents”,  “Eric Clapton” and “Justin Bieber” be replaced with “the alfmeister”.

c)      Payment in one or combination of the following;

i)        Cash; US dollars will not be accepted due to poor exchange rate. Please consider changing to at least the Zimbabwean currency which has better buying power currently

ii)      Credit Card; Visa or Visa-Debit only – please provide details and three forms of ID

iii)    Hot chicks in skimpy bikinis

iv)    Booze; however due attention must be given to the alfmeister’s  reviews on ales, however in cases where shit beer has been paid out, this may be alleviated somewhat by ensuring quantity over quality

v)      Pornographic material (DVD or CD, not VHS or Beta) will be welcomed with open arms other than illegal lithographs and gay movies. That is all.

Appendix to the Appendix (or is that Appendices?) – Commonly known as “Other Useless Info”

1)   the alfmeister is always right.

2)   In the rare instance that the alfmeister is wrong, please refer to Rule 1.        

3)   Compiled under license by Alfmeister Corporation Pty Limited, pursuant to Responsible Use of Media as administered by those Nazis at the Broadcast Standards Authority.

4)  Amendment to Rule 3; the BSA has been completely ignored within this document as the alfmeister and his subsidiaries are a law unto themselves.

5)   Proof-read and Published by my 2 ½  year old daughter, Renée.

6)   All information in this legal document is by no means to be shared with non-alfmeister followers, politicians (especially the Greens), law enforcers, Bishop Brian Tamaki, lawyers, carnies, or other non-alfmeister worshippers. No portion may be recreated unless specific permission has been received by the Author, Publisher, or the late Spike Milligan, Esq.

7)   The above mentioned Compilation team (hereafter referred to as The Tralfamadorian Society or “The Establishment”), and it’s President (El Persidente, God, Your Highness) must always be held in the highest esteem, be protected from outsiders with complete disregard for personal safety, and be portrayed to the Media in a positive and angelic light. Failure to do so will result in fines (varying between beers, money, exclusion, and possibly sodomy, depending on the day).

8)      If there is any objection to complying to the contents within this publication, all correspondence must be typed (font Calibri, size 11, non-bold, black) on standard A4 sheet (white or off-white only – cream, egg-shell, and other non-masculine colours will be destroyed), single sided, double spacing (for comments). Likelihood of it being perused, nil; likelihood of it being acted upon – less than nil; likelihood of vengeful retaliation by The Establishment– more often than not, likely, depending on the day.


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