the alfmeister

a figment of reality's imagination

Who???

In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth, etcetera, etcetera…
And then God said, “Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth.”

And as God created man in his own image he fucked up royally, and herein lies the likeness we know today as the alfmeister

Half man, half beast, and half Australian (eh?), the alfmeister is everything that man tries hard not to be, and what women try even harder to keep away from. But some were not so lucky and thus a bloodline was started which through the ages, and ages, and ages lead us here, sometime now, somewhere near, and somehow reading this shite.

the alfmeister lives here and there, does this and that, and abides by no law or doctrine…no one knows what purpose he serves to the public, the food chain, or the national census ….but one things is certain, we do not know the answer to any of it and likely do not care.

Cruising the streets in a modified wheelie bin by night, and sleeping in public toilets by day his complexion is similar to that of a test tube, except more transparent. He feeds at intervals not exceeding 20mins at a time, and as a result his once fantastic figure, considered the blueprint that Jim Carrey, Danny DeVito, and Jabba The Hutt loosely based themselves on let it slip after taking up a lucrative offer as a test bed for Burger King. His physique has mellowed over the years, lost some of its firm and supple features, and taken on the viscosity of a deep fryer. It is said a single serving of the alfmeister requires 1000 sit-ups to work off and is the yardstick for the World Health Organisation to measure famine (i.e. 1.5 alfmeisters is enough to feed a small city in Botswana for a year).

The movie trilogy, Alien, was created as a biography of his life down to the seemingly gentle and magical way he inseminates women and while travelling through Asia he was responsible for China’s over-population when all women within 1000km became pregnant instantly. He is not hung like a horse…a horse is hung like him.

When the alfmeister does long division, there are no remainders, and he can divide by zero.

His ego is so big, it can be seen from outer space. We all live in an expanding universe…all of it is trying to get away from the alfmeister

And don’t bother searching for him on Google as it knows you can’t find him…the alfmeister finds you!

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