the alfmeister

a figment of reality's imagination

Archive for the tag “sex”

Book Review; I Suck at Girls by Justin Halpern

i-suck-at-girlsJustin Halpern has had one of those meteoric rises to fame akin only to the legendary Phoenix’s rise from the ashes. After breaking up with his girlfriend he moved back into his parents and from there started the Twitter account ‘Shit My Dad Says’ which became an overnight sensation and lead to a book deal and a TV show…all because his dad (like mine seemingly) is a belligerent who says the most random shite you ever heard.

I hadn’t realised he had written the first book (titled on the Twitter account) but after reading this one I will definitely hunt it down soon – unfortunately Waimakariri’s District Council’s Libraries haven’t got it, so if anyone has a copy I can borrow?

This tale follows Justin’s life sometime after the makeup of before-mentioned ex-girlfriend when Justin tells his dad he is going to marry her…and doesn’t quite get the rapturous reception that such an announcement would, or should bring. Simply, his dad told him to ‘relive those moments through life in which girls were involved and then if you still feel the same, then go for it…’

Or something like that.

So as Justin takes us on a journey through his female interactions from aged 8 through his mid-20s, the lanes flip with alarming regularity and raucous laughter as this absolute dunce with the ladies struggles through impressing a girl (with drawings of dogs defecating on her head), to robbing homeless men of their porn, to gropes in the car, to attempting to lose his virginity, and all that normal American stuff in between; college, sports, working in burger joints and the such.

While his failure in love is central to the plot, the undoubted star of the show is his dad who steps into frame like jumper leads attached to the testicles, only harsher. How Justin never ended up a babbling psychotic with murderous tendencies is anyone’s guess, but one cannot help but love the bloke, and at times I understood that being like him and me is not such a bad thing after all…we might die lonely, but people will always understand why.

A top notch read for guys and gals alike, beware the cantankerous bastard behind you!

How I picture his (and to some extent mine) dad...

How I picture his (and to some extent mine) dad…

Book Review; The Other Woman’s Shoes

images-25A Novel by Adele Parks



I grabbed this book from the shelf when shooting out the door on business for a week…an hour later, landing in Auckland, I had read 11 chapters and was hooked. In retrospect it may not have been the writing, but when Parks described Martha as a semi-Princess Di-esque person, no more need be said. If EL James had described that bint in ’50 Shades..’ the same way I may well have considered that piece of shit a work of art…anyways…

…so this book follows two sisters over a year; Martha, the well-to-do, prim and proper lady with the perfect life, hubby, kids, big house yadi yadi yada…Eliza, her younger sister, while the closest thing in Martha’s life, is the antithesis; rock’n’rolling, flat-dwelling, hip girl with the hot, nowhere man of a boyfriend who is apparently as good as Christian Grey is at giving multiple orgasms to the furniture.

Then as suddenly as you meet them, both lives are changed. Eliza leaves her stud muffin in search of a life-like Martha’s; pension plans, kids, tidiness, beige elbow pads. Meanwhile, Martha’s perfect husband walks out on her…and Eliza moves in.

So the story follows Martha begging Michael (for that is her husband’s name) back, going through hell on Earth, and trying to set up her sister with one of her ‘sensible’ (read boring) friends…all of which are in love with Martha.

Eliza, for her part, starts teaching Martha how to forget Michael, move on, change and maybe get a root thrown in for good measure.

Well, I don’t want to give too much away, as it is a book you should read. Sure, it’s a bit girly-girl, in the same vein as Marian Keyes I guess, however I particularly loved this book (aside of Martha of course) as it is funny, in a serious kinda way, and serious in a funny kind of way…but at all times it felt real, if you know what I mean…nothing was particularly fanciful or ‘made for Hollywood’, well, not all of it…

…and Miss, Ms (or as the case may be, Mr) James, when Parks writes sex she blitzes your tripe…first, orgasms are just that,not towering pillars of embellished ecstasy-filled exhaustion, and pools of desire…

…oh yeah, it might have been because I was tired, or in love with Martha, but I actually cried at the end…I think I was tired.

Other ‘reviews’ of this book have slated it at points, but as far as I can tell, it is better than that, to the point I would rate it one of the most enjoyable, not necessarily the best, books I have read.

Martha, call me sometime…

Book Review; 50 Shades of….*yawn*

A novel by EL James

For those who have followed my book reviews over the years you would notice it doesn’t take me long to read a book, anywhere from a couple of days to a week, at most….

…reading 50 Shades of Grey took me somewhere between 2 and 3 months, and therein lies a hint at my thoughts of this book.

A friend asked me to read it and at the time I was aware of the book, I mean you would have had to live under a rock, or in Gore not to know about, but I actually had no idea what it was about. When I found out (my wife was reading it) I became very close-minded about it…

…for those who really know me I love porn. Not in a sick way where I lock myself in a small room running up massive bills on my credit card or hiding in the toilet having a wank, but I have been exposed to it for a long time, and am very open about it. However I have no interest in S&M, or other sub-genres associated with domination, and then to have it written by a woman was not endearing itself to me. I know, it is a narrow-minded statement but that’s how I felt about it. But if nothing else I will always give a book a chance (shit, do you remember my trial by fire with Richard Laymon’s books!?).

Anyway back to the book. This is how I interpreted it; Naive stunner (who happens to be a virgin, big point to my argument) meets an extremely rich, handsome man (is there any other type? Just once give me a fat chick bagging a hunk, or an ugly fucker banging a super model!) and this guy, despite all his squillions of dollars still needs to satisfy his control on things by dominating women. OK, fair enough, no issues here so far.

But as the book went on it took on the familiar, self-destructing plot; man offers her a contract to allow him to beat her and chain her up (good call), girl freaks out (as you do), girl can’t stop thinking about him (ummmm, ok), entertains the idea with some out clauses (huh?), falls for him (yeah, yeah, get on with it)…etc, etc, et al…


…*growing anger*

Read more…

Book Review; Stand Up Strummer: a tale of sex, love and side-effects

By Dr Russ Harris

Imagine a person who is portrayed as a morph of Seinfeld and Woody Allen…and you have Dr Max Strummer.

Max is a youngish GP by day, stand-up comic by night…but a 24-hour paranoid. And his perception of how the world deals bad cards to him is apparent form the first chapter when he comes home to find his girlfriend of three years strewn out on the bed in the throes of orgasmic delight…being administered by another woman.

Now personally I couldn’t think of a more beautiful and natural scene to behold, but I’m not Max who goes into a tailspin in which his sexual ineptitude and inability to read a situation creates an emotional monster he can’t seem to escape from.

Then it seems things might be turning for the¬†better; a hot, nubile, and bordering slutty/nympho new girlfriend, a break into TV, and of course he’s a bloody doctor…its a load of bullshit that money can’t buy you happiness, I’ve never met a miserable bloody doctor yet.

I won’t divulge too much more than I have already as I would think this snippet will no doubt get you rushing to the local Borders or library. It is a funny-as-hell book and well written.

I do have to knock it back though; it finishes a little predictably and rushed, and as I read all I could picture in my head was Jerry Seinfeld…which is probably not a bad thing as I like the guy.

Written by an Aussie it was interesting to read his bio and notes in that the story was changed to be set in the UK (understandable, no bigger bunch of neurotic whingers, and it is loosely based on his own experiences. Unfortunately he did not expand on his gold mine of lesbian trysts as such (much the shame) but we’ll let that one to the masses to decide.

Get it out, if for nothing else the erection incident is priceless!

Wot’s…Uh the Deal?

I think it's time for a new uniform for the DHB

Just so I have got it right…

Three teenage boys. Check.

An older woman…and a nurse, no less. Check.

Right, are we clear on the main players in this little carry-on? Cool…bear with me please;

At 15 I had a driver’s license, firearms license, shorn and crutched sheep, shot wild deer and pigs, worked on a sheep station, drove tractors and heavy trucks, played Senior Reserve rugby, got pissed every weekend, even dabbled in some weed.

And I loved girls, especially older women. I had already lost my virginity (somewhat ho-hum to be honest)¬†and had my share of handjobs and groping sessions, but being a randy little shit, I masturbated furiously in a feeble attempt to control the burgeoning hormones running amok in my seemingly over-sized testicles. And sneaking my dad’s collection of Playboys, Penthouses and Mayfairs didn’t help.

I was also about a year away from having a sexual liaison with an older woman, and while it isn’t prudent to ask a woman her age, I’m going to take a stab in the dark and say she was in her early forties. Call me naive, but if there is any young lad out there who has not, or does not dream of such a thing is bullshitting.

So, what the hell is the deal with this news about a 41 year old nurse being charged with having sexual relations with three 15 year old boys? Normally they would be considered legends for such a thing, and she’s a nurse too!!! Most of us have to beg our wives and girlfriends to wear a nurse’s uniform (I have been out with a few nurses…don’t know what it is, they are definitly something special) and these guys got one dropped, quite literally, into their lap! Read more…

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