the alfmeister

a figment of reality's imagination

Archive for the tag “KFC”

Eat Shit and Die; KFC’s Mexican ‘offering’…


When I was younger, my older brother once farted on my head just at that point where I breathed in...this burger tasted worse...

When I was younger, my older brother once farted on my head just at that point where I breathed in…this burger tasted worse…

And by offering, I mean some sort of Pagan-esque sacrificial lamb, and by lamb I mean chicken (at least I think it was chicken), and by chicken, I mean something crumbed somewhat attempting to resemble a chicken (albeit minus wings, legs, beak and ‘cluck’) yet had the taste and complexion of a sun-dried inner tube left to marinate in a sespool of rancid cow’s piss…

What? No idea, but it was advertised as the Mexican Zinger Burger…

Where? KFC Rangiora…

When? When I come out of this gastro-influenced coma I will endeavour to remember. But it was sometime after work last week, and sometime before violently scratching the back of my throat with my fingers in an effort to extricate whatever had crawled in there and died…

Coin? All things considered (it being a combo), too much. In fact, I would expect to be paid to eat it next time…

Pros? The Mountain Dew, and I bloody well hate Mountain Dew…oh, and the hot blonde behind the counter (who unfortunately didn’t serve me)…

Cons? Everything including the shit-arsed fries (which used to be a KFC speciality), the cold burger, the soggy corn chips layered to give an air of Tijuana but felt more like a mouthful of wet bark, and the cost, which per square inch is more than Auckland property.

 

And herein ends the lesson….

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Double time on the Double Down…


Me, sans shirt, sitting in KFC eating my burger...note hankie on my head to wipe my brow.

Me, sans shirt, sitting in KFC eating my burger…note hankie on my head to wipe my brow.

It was almost two years ago to the day when my wife and I got sucked into the media hype of KFC’s Double Down Burger which at the time I thought was OK, as a one-off provided you had a signed permission slip from your Doctor alongside an updated insurance policy. So when a fellow Tweeter spoke of wolfing down KFC’s reincarnation of it I had no choice but to hunt one down and check if time has done it any better or worse.

Not by coincidence I found myself sitting in Papanui’s House of Cholesterol which bode a bad sign; the place looked no different from it did all that time ago; by that I mean it looked shitty. And by shitty I mean you can feel the fat and grease coating you as you walk in the door. I’m sorry, but the place would have been done a favour had the earthquakes leveled it, but unfortunately through economics, or based on the local population, KFC saw no fit reason to match their competitors in redressing and rebranding their restaurants.

So after ordering my combo meal ($11.40 for the Zinger Double Down, small chips and orange Mountain Dew) I hesitatingly sat down at a table in a dining hall that was only shared by one other; a forlorn looking woman who looked like she had lost her battle of the bulge as she munched back a tray-load of food which still looked like it wouldn’t be enough.

*it is important to note here that I did not get the ‘standard’ Double Down as they had run out of (or maybe it had just plain run out on its own) some chilli sauce offering, but was duly offered extra ‘Supercharger’, being some attempt at adding spice*

Opening the wrapper, and immediately getting said Supercharger over my hands and onto my jeans, the first thing you note is that it isn’t a big meal which makes the $8-odd a hefty price to pay for two bits of chicken that maybe cost KFC about $1 total. But, and as memory serves me, it looked more appetising than the one I had years back, even though the sauce has the look, color and consistency of week-old cum…

Double Down, don;t mock me...*images in photo may appear larger than they actually are*

Double Down, don’t mock me…*images in photo may appear larger than they actually are*

…but from the first bite, I was impressed! It might have been the spicy sauce (I love a kick in my food) paired with the Zinger flavouring but it took less than half the time of my Twitter colleague before I was hungrily licking my fingers and the wrapper for remnants that tried to escape in vain. The chicken was cooked to within an inch of perfection, something Simon Gault would have been proud of, the bacon also. And unlike the first attempt, the ‘burger’ did not fall apart in my hands, so I’m guessing some sort of Gorilla Bond Glue may have been mixed in. And while I treat fast-food chain’s attempts of ‘hot & spicy’, and I love it hot enough to make soft-drink vaporize on my tongue, it had as good level of ‘pow’.

Hours later, supping back a beer (or two) I was aware of another plus with the Double Down; unlike its predecessor, and most other fast food burgers, it hadn’t sat in the bottom of my gut like a cement/snot combo, threatening to tear me a second arsehole the following morning.

Yep, KFC, despite all attempts to do otherwise, you have hit a home run with this one…and as I am a true believer in playing on a level field, I feel I  must head back to another restaurant and sample your wares again…just to be sure.

Now, why the hell don;t we have this one Down Under!!!??? Try me, I’m Iron(gut) Man…

Enough is enough…


It’s the kind of story that makes us laugh in TV shows and movies – boy meets girl through email or a website, falls in love with the imagination of who she is, and is ultimately disappointed in the face to face meeting…

…in a roundabout way that happened to me today, and boy am I fucked off with it. OK, it wasn’t a girl, it was a burger, but the principles are the same, let me explain (although for those of you who have read my rantings over time will know where I am going with this).

On what planet does this…

It was an impulse decision to get some fast food for lunch and my attempt to get McDonald’s was scuppered by a lack of parking and I happened across a Burger King on my travels. Now I am one of BK’s biggest fans, the Whopper family has given me a load of fine memories and as I walked into the restaurant (is it me or is the term ‘restaurant’ a bit too much for a burger bar?) I was fair salivating at the prospect. And whereas I would normally order and devour my standard fare a change was in the winds and looking at the board the King’s Selection caught my eye, and in particular the Streaky Bacon Steakhouse. At $11.60 for a regular meal it had me thinking I was onto a gourmet winner, the picture depicting it almost sated my appetite alone…

And then came the face to face…

Fuck. Read more…

Food Review – KFC Tower Burger…and another one…


OK @kfcnz high noon @ the Corral, have just ordered a BBQ Bacon & an Original Tower. Let’s hope these 2 quash memories of the last fiasco

…this tweet probably sounds more threatening than it was intended, but on the other side of the coin, the last two visits to said fast food chain were hardly worth writing home about.

Less than an hour ago I moved on down to my local KFC outlet, book in hand (the same one as last week, now about 100 pages from the end, not good meal reading I might add!), and waited to make my order. the lovely young thing behind the counter pointed out she wasn’t going to serve me but was happy enough to chat about the pending doom of the Tower burgers – finishing this Monday it seems (along with the Packs) no doubt to be resurrected sometime next year.

Then finally ordering, and in fairness to KFC I felt I had to trial the other two offerings; Original Tower, and a BBQ Bacon Tower which I had upsized as a combo with fries and Mountain Dew (orange). The BBQ was made into a Zinger, as there is no spice like hot spice.

The first photo depicts my order handed across to me…FAIL. At this point the drool running off my chin in anticipation was now gone and was as dry as an octogenerian’s kiss, and in some ways it got worse. Read more…

Food Review – KFC Grilled Fiery Tower


KFC Tower (original I believe? Couldn't find image of Fiery)

Disappointing, to say the least. Now I’m not sure if it was down to the store, or the choice in burger but this did not do it for me. In keeping with comparing like with like it seemed the appropriate burger to taste however barely halfway through it I found myself wondering what might have been in choosing the BBQ Bacon or their stock-standard Tower. Not sure which one everyone has raved about to me over the last week, but I doubt it is this new offering from KFC.

There’s a saying in sales: “First impressions last”, and as the photo shows an impression was indelibly left, albeit the wrong one, however in reading of BK’s faux pas this morning on stuff.co.nz I think I dodged a bullet. Read more…

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