the alfmeister

a figment of reality's imagination

Archive for the tag “hypnosis”

How To Guides…


Hot off the desk, here are some more downloads from the online service that is best translated as “Seriously, you think I have that many issues?”;

How To Overcome Procrastination I’ll get back to you on that one.

How To Eat More Vegetables We’ve evolved to enjoy eating fruit and vegetables, and it’s surely our right to do so! WTF?! My dad had the ideal module – eat it or get a clip around the ear. Simple, but effective…

How To Have A Healthy Lifestyle OK, I was denied access to this one…is this some insider, Stone Mason’s type of secret tip? Either way, no concern. I source my beer and smokes only from free-range growers and brewers, my McDonald’s fact sheets ensure that my burger ingredients come only for the best natural sources, and I always ask those prostitutes I sleep with if they have had a check in the last six months. Done.

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More Hypnosis Stunners…


Now, these two must go hand in hand…in fact they turned up on my Twitter account one after the after, so even the quacks seem to have ascertained that one may be directly responsible for the other…

Train yourself to drink less wine comfortably and effectively with hypnosis

Do you enjoy a glass of wine in the evening? Are you getting concerned that this glass of wine has somehow grown into a half bottle… or a full bottle… or even more?

OK, I think I understand where this is going, and I certainly know a few people who could do with this very module (not me of course, it strictly states wine, not copious amounts of beer, Vodka straight from the bottle, or baby-shams), but seriously, hypnosis to drink less? If you were onto a bottle of wine a night, or quote unquote “more”, surely you shouldn’t be allowed to drink anything, on the wagon so to speak? But maybe the following module might be the key to stopping your excessive drinking habits…I kid you not, I received this one after the aforementioned…

Get relief from your pregnancy morning sickness symptoms

So for another payment you can stop morning sickness…again to paraphrase, they say that morning sickness is not physical, its mental…now I’m no expert on these matters, but I can tell you that the resident expert would cut off my nuts, soak them in vinegar, and fry them up before feeding them to our two dogs if I ever was stupid enough to point that out to her. So believing that by morning sickness they are not relating to the ‘hangover’, but to pregnancy, here is my way to stop its occurrence;

STOP DRINKING A BOTTLE OF WINE A NIGHT (OR MORE)! I HAVE KNOWN MANY A WOMAN WHO HAVE FALLEN TO MORNING SICKNESS AS A DIRECT RESULT OF THIS…

New From Your Local Brain-Washer…


A new download for those who have trouble………………………

FINISH WHAT YOU START

You Can Sleep Better Knowing This…


I lay awake for ages thinking about this to the point that I was doing 12 cups of coffee, a packet of smokes, and averaged 17 new grey hairs each day! But thankfully, I found truth, and as quoted; “The Truth Shall Set You Free!”…and it seems only fair, because of the kind of guy I am, I felt I should share it with you so as to have you enjoying your bedtime too.

THE LETTER Z…the lonely letter.

What letter is the least used in the English language? I thought Q, Katie thought X, but lo and behold it’s the letter Z. Now buggar me, you learn something every day. so, when this question was put to me, I just had to find out more about it, and here are some fascinating facts about it. For those of you who require other stimuli while being ‘blown away’ go fetch your substances now (not that I condone it) and put on some Floyd and prepare yourself!

The Greeks (those great people them) started with the Z in zeta taking it from the Phoenician zeya meaning “weapon”, although their Z looked more like our I. By the times those intelligent Wogs got hold of it the letter had transformed into the modern-day letter we all know and love. But it had a pretty patchy career…

When Greece was invaded by those warlords the Romans, the Roman Censor removed the letter from the alphabet altogether due to its pronunciation being so close to R, and it was subsequently replaced by the letter G – you see, Z was the 7th letter, but that’s another story. The Z was fully reinstated with back pay 200 years later because it was needed in Latin to sound out (only) words inherited from Greek.

And now for the real cool story; Z was not always the last letter (notwithstanding the above story with it’s altercation with G) although it has always been the 26th letter. For what seemed like ages, & was the last letter (known as ampersand), pronounced “and” but recited with the Latin per se meaning ‘by itself’. The position, and pronunciation eventually ran together with “X, Y, Z, and per se and” becoming “X, Y, Z, ampersand”.

Z, as mentioned, is the least used letter in the alphabet, but it is used more often in American-English than British-English which has frustrated Microsoft spell checkers for ages!

So there you go my fine wee scholars, I hope that alleviates any concerns you had for the letter Z…may you enjoy the view from your zenith!

New from the world of hypnosis…


hyp·no·sis

/hɪpˈnoʊsɪs/ [hip-noh-sis]

–noun, plural -ses  /-siz/ 

1. an artificially induced trance state resembling sleep, characterized by heightened susceptibility to suggestion.
 
 
Direct from the people who tell you that everything in life is not your fault, it’s just your mind fucking with you, here is a couple of more doozies I have received…
 
Boost Your Ability to Resist Peer Pressurethis is how it reads in the sell;

“Can you say ‘no’ to a group if you really believe no? Are you able to express your own opinions even if they conflict widely with ‘group consensus?’ Peer pressure has been responsible for some of the worst atrocities in history.”

I didn’t know Celine Dion was a result of peer pressure? Ummm, rightio…if it is that bad, and these guys wouldn’t lie, best I get out my Menthols and have a smoke to relax…want to join me? What do you mean you don’t smoke?! You a girl or something?!?

Bounce Out Of Bed– “Set your unconscious mind to love mornings. Since I have hypnotically ‘re-programmed’ my morning response I now awake with zest and energy. Imagine what it’s going to be like to bounce out of bed, excited by the challenges and opportunities of the day ahead!”

Well I can tell you this, telling your wife she was less than impressive the night before certainly has you out of bed quickly, and bouncing off the floor!

How to Stop Being Irritable This has to be one of the best tags I have ever seen – talk a bout hitting the ‘pain point’ of someone…

“Do you sometimes feel driven to the brink of murder by your irritation with the trivial annoyances of daily life? You are not alone.”

As recommended by Charles Manson!!! In his own words; “Before the Sharon Tate ‘incident’, I struggled with day-to-day life, often stressing and worrying about the wife and kids, the mortgage, and this stupid band of hippies who followed me around everywhere. It got too much, and I guess I just snapped? If only someone had told me about Hypnosis Downloads, and I had a computer, and internet, and world webby thing, I could have been a better man. But now I have had my brain reprogrammed, and I am a changed soul and only now think about pulling wings off flys in my cell. The voices are still there, but I’m sure they mean no harm – maybe Hypnosis will give me a download for that?”

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