the alfmeister

a figment of reality's imagination

Archive for the tag “food”

Aloha! from Hawaii…sort of…


Somewhere in this picture is a burger…nope, can't for the life of me see it...

Somewhere in this picture is a burger…nope, can’t for the life of me see it…

Another Auckland trip, so that can only mean one thing, sitting in shitty traffic always wary of a crowbar being pushed into your face by one of the nicer inhabitants of the city.

But it also means carb-loading, chaffing down sizeable portions of gristle, fat, oil, and synthetic flavors…of super-sized fizzy, and uncomfortable chairs seated behind tables too small to take a napkin.

Yep, I’m back home…

No sooner than I got off the plane I was at Carl’s Jnr’s new residence at the airport, and again I failed to order ala carté (if it can be called that) and ended up with yet another ‘limited edition’ offering; The Teriyaki Hawaiian Thick Combo. At nearly $14 it isn’t a cheap lunch, especially as a medium combo, compared to a more sedate (and sane) coffee and ham sandwich, but I have always maintained I don’t mind paying good money for good food, so would it hit the palate like it hit the wallet?

Again I was caught out by Carl’s point of difference in serving you at your table (if eating in obviously) and had to follow my ‘waitress’ around the restaurant for a couple of laps before we both clicked to the fact that me and that dinner tray she was carrying were destined for each other. Seated behind obese Customs officials might be an off-putting experience in a fast-food joint, but surprisingly it seems so normal that it’s the skinny people who stand out, and while I’m anything but, I can at least smile in the knowledge that my impact on the health service is pretty minimal compared to those I witnessed in both Carl’s and the newly opened KFC next door.

One of these things is not like the other…while ugly, like Janis Joplin, it still is bloody good...

One of these things is not like the other…while ugly, like Janis Joplin, it still is bloody good…

As the photo shows, the Hawaiian didn’t look remotely like its passport photo and while this riles me up something chronic it seems to dissipate once I start making my way through handfuls of fries and mouthfuls of processed meat…and this burger quickly made me forget all my ills.

In the next 2mins (or thereabouts) I chomped, swallowed, chewed, and burped my way through one of the most enjoyable delicacies I can remember in a burger joint, and that is no mean feat. Yes, it did seem odd that I was eating a ‘Hawaiian’ devoid of any ham or bacon, but the meat patty and sizable pineapple ring were as juicy as if they were picked, shot, and boned that morning. The buns were soft and fresh, the lettuce and accompanying veggies and sauce a subtle sideshow, as they should be. Pair that with the best damned fries on the market right now, washed down with an aromatic, full-bodied Coke and Raspberry, and Carl’s Jnr has nailed it, lock stock and two smoking barrels; there is a new king in town…now if only the TV people would pull their collective heads out of their arises and allow decent family viewing of hot chicks getting it on over a BBQ. It must be said however that no one in this joint closely resembled the chicks in the ad. Carl’s, either make the burgers look like the ads, or make the girls. Not too much to ask, is it?

While looking better than it's opposition's feeble attempt, it must be noted that I don't really have huge hands...

While looking better than it’s opposition’s feeble attempt, it must be noted that I don’t really have huge hands…

Later that week, at departures I was greeted with another Hawaiian; McDonald’s Hot Hawaiian, a play on one of the undisputed kings of the heart-attack in a box, the Quarter Pounder. Add in another pineapple ring, some hot spicy sauce coupled with its iconic slab of fatty meat, this could well be a true pretender to the feast enjoyed 48hrs earlier. OK, the intent was to sample something off the board at Carl’s, but a business meeting that (of course) turned to the subject of burgers went well over the allotted time and in a rush to get the rental car back and checked in meant that this had to be waylaid in preference to something closer at hand. While my ability to eat something in quick time (picture a spy in WWII swallowing a secret code crossed with the Cookie Monster in full flight) is not in question, the restaurant’s timing in getting it into my paws in good time was the risk not worth taking.

McD’s is pricey, especially for what you get, but buying this burger in a large combo came in nearly $3 cheaper than Carl’s, so could this prove to be the best bang for your buck…relatively speaking?

Yes, and no. McDonald’s have a real good burger in this however the hot sauce might not be to everyone’s tastes – and as a bloke who likes a sweaty ring piece as the result of herbs and spices this was definitely their hottest offering to date (read previous reviews) – history might show it to be a silent achieved destined to be swiped aside for some other crazy concoction designed as a futile attempt at making them look like a progressive provider. Yes, the burger is nice, fresh, juicy, and most importantly, tasty, though one always has a craving to fill a little more of a gap after eating there, no burger quite getting to a size where this bloke can feel sated…sort of like previous girlfriends have felt after the best four minutes of my life. Their fries, as more often than not were good, as they were fresh, something obvious to those of us who have been served old dry fires many a time before, but they are streets behind of Carl’s potatoes.

McD's are not known for their sexy ads...

McD’s are not known for their sexy ads…

Two chains, one well established, the other moving in on hallowed South Auckland ground. Two burgers, both good, very good in fact…and there can be only one winner. McDonald’s, you better seriously look at what you are giving us as Carl’s are going to king-hit you where it hurts you most. When I told people I had eaten at Carl’s, pretty much everyone gasped and said “Oh no, I wouldn’t eat there!”, yet in the same breath mentioned they had never actually eaten there…well, fellow diners, I suggest you make a break from your Big Macs, your Zinger burgers, and your sub-standard fries and visit what could well be a changing of the guard in the race to provide paid obesity…

 

 

 

Couldn't have said it better myself...

Couldn’t have said it better myself…

Fat loss is going to have to weight (!!) another year…


This beautiful town has a dark, dark, side to its underbelly...

This beautiful town has a dark, dark, side to its underbelly…

 

 

As if I hadn’t put enough weight on over the Christmas period…fuck me, I met, and fell in love with the new king of all burgers today; FergBurger’s Big Al.

The intent was to do business in the jewel of the south, Queenstown, and then get out of dodge quick as I faced a two-hour drive to Invercargill…yes, I know, why the fuck would anyone want to leave Q’town for the ‘arsehole of the world’, but I like to live life dangerously. And danger knocked on my door in the guise of a 1/2 lb of beef formed as two patties, with two eggs (yep, two eggs!) with bacon, onion, beetroot, and all manner of juicy morsels stamped between two precariously balanced buns which made dinner plates seem like saucers…

…and like the thrill-seeker I am, I ordered a side of fries, they themselves resembling tree branches.

As juicy as an 18-year old on heat and tasting somewhat similar, this burger has heart-attack stamped all over it, but by the grace of God himself, if this is nirvana, then let me die now.

alfmeister, meet Big Al...Big Al, meet your maker!

alfmeister, meet Big Al…Big Al, meet your maker!

There is a local legend, with supporting photo and written details, that someone consumed this beast in a mere 1min 43secs. Looking at the three course meal in my hands I actually believe I could take it on. However, I was in fine company and didn’t want to come across as some sort of human waste-disposal…ah, fuck, who am I kidding…Ferg, we will meet again, mark my words!

BK, McD’s, KFC…Ferg has achieved what all of you have tried and (miserably) failed at, they have defied all laws of gravity and physics to master a colossus of artery-hardening composition that actual looks like, and tastes better than it looks. I suggest you send your finest into Queenstown and learn from the best…long live Big Al (and at this rate, he’ll outlive us)…

Smokes (sans plain packaging) give an indication of size...and the burger did look better than this, but due to incessant drooling I had to take a big-angle shot...

Smokes (sans plain packaging) give an indication of size…and the burger did look better than this, but due to incessant drooling I had to take a big-angle shot…

As a post-script to this, I stopped in a small hamlet about 50km south and bought a spearmint thickshake…shit, I hope my insurance provider isn’t reading this!

 

Variety is the spice of life…or is it? Burger Review…


How they think it looks when it comes to you...

How they think it looks when it comes to you…

Shit…I made a vow not to enter the ‘Big Three’ ever again due to what I believed was a blatant disregard for the Fair Trading Act, i.e. what they told us we were getting was a fair distance from reality. Isn’t it enough we get this from our politicians?

If there’s two things in selling food that are like a red rag to a bull, its words like ‘big’ and ‘hot’…I use these words often with my wife, which in itself may be open to interpretation if either apply in reality. So Macca’s sucked me in, held out the pot at the end of the rainbow, promised redemption in a promised land, and offered me the chance for salvation in the form of their new Peri Peri Scorcher burger…normally it is a burger that wouldn’t get me excited, chicken is best served in Chinese takeaways, but they used the word ‘hot’ and claimed it was ‘pretty hot’. Further to that, to over emphasise the claim, the use of ‘Scorcher” in the name itself was only asking for trouble…

Now use of the word ‘pretty’ in itself is a subjective term, I have met plenty of ‘pretty’ girls who had a face that looked like a Bulldog that swallowed a wasp, but to couple it with ‘hot’ was only daring me to come out of hiding and get back into the fold of the morbidly obese.

As I have been burnt so many times by McDonald’s in the past (no pun intended) I decided to order two such burgers this time as I hadn’t eaten since the previous evening and wouldn’t be for some time, so having 1000+ calories sitting heavy in the bottom of my well-adjusted gut, like plutonium rods, seemed a good idea at the time. The burgers, admittedly, looked pleasant enough, and as far as burgers go had a closer resemblance to the adverts than many before them. However the chicken, looking larger than it was in buns smaller than breakfast croissants, looked (and ultimately tasted) drier than an 80-year old whore, eating pretzels in the middle of a Canterbury Nor’Wester. This aside, it wasn’t so much the feast I was testing here (which was merely, and barely, OK) it was the claim of being ‘pretty hot’. The first Read more…

His cup runneth over…and then he required alka seltzer…


This is how they suck you in…

It was some time back when I chastised and exiled the ‘Big Three’ (McDonald’s, Burger King, Kentucky Fucked Duck) from the menu of my life and thus condemned myself to early retirement as far as fast food went…

…but evil-doing was making a comeback, and from a most unlikely quarter.

The powers-that-be at Wendy’s had long read and heard rumors of a ‘constitutional gut’ that existed in the colonies of the South Pacific and plans were made to create a new weapon of mass-destruction, a food seemingly so benign, so innocent in existence, that surely he, the man with the lead-lined stomach, he of gastronomic super powers, he the majority stakeholder in Purex toilet tissue would be lured back to face pimply-faced teens, malfunctioning EFTPOS machines, and slum-themed public bathrooms…and so they waited…and waited…and waited…

And it happened with such little fanfare that none believed it was true, but when a non-descript Tweet floated the ether from Aussie to New Zealand questioning (in Sasquatch-esque awe) the existence of such a behemoth he came from out of hiding, out of self-imposed isolation, and prepared to do battle once again, in the pursuit of justice, gut-rot, and the risk of diarrhea.

Read more…

Dealing with ingrates…


Being the top bloke that I am, I normally get out of bed first thing, with the kids while the wife sleeps off whatever hangover/come down she is suffering at that given time. Into the kitchen I will normally then proceed to do her jobs by giving the kids breakfast and milo, making lunches for us all, feeding the dogs, fish, and cats, and clearing out the dishwasher (which I filled) from the night before.

Well imagine my shock and horror when this email came through today…

Letter of Complaint

Dear Alfmeister (name changed so as to protect my true identity as a reporter for the Daily Planet)

I’m not sure if you are aware, but you have made a dogs breakfast of my lunch arrangement….

Upon opening my lunchbox, I was surprised to find a sandwich filling comprising of lettuce, cheese, vegemite and avocado. Quite a combination I must say.

When have you had avocado and vegemite together?

This not being to my tasting, I thought I’d eat something else from my lunch box. Alas, there was nothing to behold. I know we are in a ‘sugar-free zone’ this week, but a bit of fruit might have been satisfactory……

I’m not complaining about the fact that I have received a lunch….but was it really made with love today?

Lets discuss….

Your loving wife

Read more…

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