the alfmeister

a figment of reality's imagination

Archive for the tag “food review”

The Destruction of The Twin Towers (gastronomically speaking)…


Official Report, 7 February, 2014 1928hrs;

Suspect entered the premises through front door in company with unidentified accomplice. Both were dressed casually, and at first inspection it would be deemed that there was nothing particularly threatening about them, however the well-built of the two was strikingly handsome which was the first indication there might be some problems – no one in their right mind can be that good-looking.

As they chatted to the teller it was apparent that the two were intoxicated, beer being the obvious substance due to vapors prominent in the closed confines of the restaurant. On scouting the area it was noted there was a bar of ill-repute right across the street and subsequent investigation indicated the suspects had been on site for some hours, quite possibly planning this attack.

After initially speaking to the young girl the manager was called out front to deal with whatever request had been made, and after considerable confusion come utter chaos as all staff members present were frantically dealing with their demands. While it was still not clear to me what their intentions were, the cash register did show a total of $75.40 demanded and authorities were alerted.

When the ‘booty’ was handed over there was an audible gasp from other patrons as it was now clear that something inhumane was taking place and there could be fallout. The two suspects made their way to a table far enough removed from everyone else and the attack began. The good-looking fellow seemed oblivious to the world around him as he remained focus on his planned attack, however his side kick may well have been having second thoughts as he could not concentrate on the task at hand, and was actually witnessed to have pulled out of what proved to be a futile exercise. The leader, however, was focussed and completed the annihilation in a time unofficially noted as being less than 20mins. With little fanfare of regard for their del;low human beings, they both left, the victor savoring a litre of Coke and Raspberry through a straw. On closer inspection of the damage their was no visible trace that anything had actually taken place; forensic evidence taken from the scene indicated this was a thorough and highly professional job and nothing of note could be lifted.

Case Unsolved; target at large.

Official Report, 14 February, 2014, 2132hrs.

In what proved to be a cunning attempt at flaunting their crime in front of authorities, both suspects re-entered the premises a week later than above, the irony of the date not lost on all present; The Valentine’s Day Massacre was a thing of folk-lore, however authorities alerted to the unfolding scenario were clear on one thing, this would be worse, with collateral damage.

Some staff immediately recognised the attractive man, and maybe in an effort to appease him spoke openly and with outward happiness which seemed to soothe the savage beast. Unlike the previous instance where confusion was dominant, the staff were obviously well-equipped this time round and quickly and efficiently had the task completed. Quite possibly as a result of the debacle the week before, the second person had somewhat distanced himself from the goal and had settled into a minor role on the act playing out before all and sundry.

The handsome male (did we mention how good-looking he was?) seemed intent on having his sick fantasy recorded for prosperity as the manager, now a guest in his presence videoed the entire spectacle from her smart device while the accomplice timed the affair on his.

In a blur, akin to a pack of sharks feeding on a carcass, the target was destroyed, obliterated from the annals of history to be nothing more than a mere memory, another yet forgotten victim of circumstance. It was both ugly and beautiful to behold, this slight frame of a person, possessing movie-star looks defied all laws of physics, biology, and human dignity to eliminate the target in less than nine minutes. He was coolly observed to have noted to all within earshot that he was attempting a sub-five minute attempt, however within the first few stages of the act manage to take some serious body shots; tongue, lip, and inner cheek showing battle scars which obviously slowed his progress.

And then they were no more, leaving in the same openly loud and obnoxious manner in which they had announced themselves. Those witness to it will recall the story for years to come, medical authorities will no doubt dissect this unnatural phenomenon, and insurance agents will rip up all paperwork.

Case Open; target still at large, considered highly dangerous in food circles yet so handsome.

Post Script; the record for consumption is held by a Canadian operative in the unbelievable time of 1min 19secs. In NZ it sits at a yet unconfirmed 6mins.

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Variety is the spice of life…or is it? Burger Review…


How they think it looks when it comes to you...

How they think it looks when it comes to you…

Shit…I made a vow not to enter the ‘Big Three’ ever again due to what I believed was a blatant disregard for the Fair Trading Act, i.e. what they told us we were getting was a fair distance from reality. Isn’t it enough we get this from our politicians?

If there’s two things in selling food that are like a red rag to a bull, its words like ‘big’ and ‘hot’…I use these words often with my wife, which in itself may be open to interpretation if either apply in reality. So Macca’s sucked me in, held out the pot at the end of the rainbow, promised redemption in a promised land, and offered me the chance for salvation in the form of their new Peri Peri Scorcher burger…normally it is a burger that wouldn’t get me excited, chicken is best served in Chinese takeaways, but they used the word ‘hot’ and claimed it was ‘pretty hot’. Further to that, to over emphasise the claim, the use of ‘Scorcher” in the name itself was only asking for trouble…

Now use of the word ‘pretty’ in itself is a subjective term, I have met plenty of ‘pretty’ girls who had a face that looked like a Bulldog that swallowed a wasp, but to couple it with ‘hot’ was only daring me to come out of hiding and get back into the fold of the morbidly obese.

As I have been burnt so many times by McDonald’s in the past (no pun intended) I decided to order two such burgers this time as I hadn’t eaten since the previous evening and wouldn’t be for some time, so having 1000+ calories sitting heavy in the bottom of my well-adjusted gut, like plutonium rods, seemed a good idea at the time. The burgers, admittedly, looked pleasant enough, and as far as burgers go had a closer resemblance to the adverts than many before them. However the chicken, looking larger than it was in buns smaller than breakfast croissants, looked (and ultimately tasted) drier than an 80-year old whore, eating pretzels in the middle of a Canterbury Nor’Wester. This aside, it wasn’t so much the feast I was testing here (which was merely, and barely, OK) it was the claim of being ‘pretty hot’. The first Read more…

Food Review – McD’s ‘Sydney Stack’ combo…


Disclaimer; actual burger may differ from that advertised…hang on! Was there tomato in the burger????

It was hardly a stack…more a small pile but I do see what they’re trying to do.

In the latest line of promotional food lines by the yellow arches we see one of life’s biggest contradictions; fast food promoting the world’s elite athletes, although I suppose that the majority of said athletes are injecting, ingesting, and investing in all manner of artificially produced steroids and supplements makes the link a little more believable.

But we’re not here to cast aspersions on the farce that is the Olympic Games, that’ll come in due course…to the burger itself.

I haven’t had the opportunity to let myself go on one of the big three in some time so was pleasantly surprised when the wife gave me some pocket-money to splash out on lunch today, and so it was rushing off the McD’s to see what new was on the menu.

The ‘Sydney Stack’ stood out, partly due a sense of patriotism at being an Aussie, partly because the other promotional offering, Atlanta’s Pork McRib looked like the Atlanta Letter Bomber had gotten to it first. And as my eyes are always larger than my stomach, and hindsight is 20/20 I ordered the large combo which set me back $11. Read more…

That’ll feed the worms…


$53.

That’s all it cost for one of the best lunches I have had out in a long time. OK, I’ll admit I was down about the whole Sydney flight thing (read “Instant Karma“) and anything compared to that would have seemed great, but the wife’s suggestion to eat at Rangiora’s Blue Rooster turned out to be an inspiring one.

I have been there once before and enjoyed a good cup of coffee, but this is the first time I have eaten. And whenever someone suggests “it’s good” I feel I have to sample the wares as food is subjective and cannot possibly suit everyone.

The Rooster is a nice place and stands out, funnily enough painted in blue, and the walls and shelves are adorned in roosters (or cocks if you’re so inclined) and has no discernible different feel to most other cafes, which is not a bad thing. Read more…

Food Review…a beer and a curry.


Himilaya’s – Indian at it’s Best

Thanks to Jason and Karen for organising a night out for us, and while none of us had eaten at this place, via a voucher on GrabOne off we went on Saturday night after me and Jase had finished a game of cricket.

This place is probably the only establishment still open in the block just north of Durham St on Colombo St and as you walk to it there is a surreal feeling as you glance at those buildings around you destroyed from the earthquakes of late 2010 and early 2011.

But once inside you feel you know you are in the right place – smallish inside compared to other Indian restaurants I have been to, it has a nice ambience and classy feel, and when a place is almost full, alongside those coming in for their takeaway you know you have a pretty good curry-house.

Seated at our table we got another pointer towards success – NZ’s current PM is framed on the wall eating at Himilaya’s which truth be told is his favourite eating place when in CHCH…and with his money it’s not like he can’t be choosy. Read more…

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