the alfmeister

a figment of reality's imagination

Archive for the tag “dickheads”

Bitch Session…advertising that works against you…

In a follow up to advertising methods and madness, yesterday. As emailed after a near incident, 30.11.11;

To the Blonde Bitch in the Ford Territory, ******.

May I suggest in future that when driving a vehicle emblazoned in company colours and logos that you don’t drive like an Aucklander who has just come out of a 15 hour stint in a pub. Also, indicating ‘after the fact’ does not exonerate you from blame should you have actually removed the forward 1/2 metre of my car as you cut into my lane on Moorhouse Ave this morning.

Not sure if you heard my calling out to you, probably best you didn’t as I don’t normally use that term as they are deemed to be ‘useful’, something you seemingly are not.

May I suggest, and it’s only a suggestion so it is entirely your prerogative to ignore said advice, that you wait nicely, and patiently in the queue with the rest of us amoeba rather than scoot round outside lanes in order to jump three or four places.

There is no requirement to respond to this rant however this I promise; my quake damaged tiles will most certainly not be coming from your establishment.

Yours in Mocking Laughter

 the alfmeister


I have a new friend…

Last night trolling through Twitter, as I am want to do being the hopeless individual I am with no life outside the confines of my own virtual existence, I came across an interesting Tweet-war (new word, like it?) between a Red Bull promo girl and Monty Beetham (a hell of a league player and pretty staunch boxer too I might add) and some fella I can only assume is the poster boy for “Incest – a game the whole family can play”.

And as it is in my nature to step into a fight no matter the consequences I laid down a strategically well-versed insult at the guy to help alleviate the boredom I was then experiencing. He came back with some piss-arsed comment and then disappeared. No sweat, thought nothing of it and went to sleep.

About an hour ago I saw his last response so went ‘a huntin’ for him, although it was never going to be a fair fight;

  • Me; charming, good-looking, well-educated, and armed with a rapier wit.
  • Him; some redneck Bulldog’s supporter whose only real advantage is that he has 12 fingers, and they’re webbed.

So I found him, and as chance would have it he and a friend (and I use the term lightly, I think his only friends are those who pay him for blowjobs in public toilets) starting to have a crack at a young bird in Aussie. So, stepping into the fold as some sort of www.superhero I laid down another subtle, yet clever barrage aimed at him….well, even the JR Tolkein of Social Media (me) can tell a story as well as this…so here are the parry and thrust of this most manly of acts: handbags at ten paces, for the benefit of my lady readers and in an attempt to maintain some civility, I have blanked out on of his more colourful words, however have happily left the f-bomb in, as this is still a democracy, and it’s a great word when used as an interjection. I am sure sufferers of Tourette’s are sitting there going “Are ya fucken kidding me, mate?”.

Kids let this be a warning to you; too many caffeine drinks, over-indulgence in masturbation, and watching too many episodes of Jersey Shore will make you as gangsta as Vanilla Ice.

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For the benefit of “Missy Dee” I have left out her conversations for her own privacy and I am glad I could have been of assistance in blocking @GT2154 and @topgun2356 for you. FYI, it has since transpired that he has stopped following me after a full five minutes. How sad am I? Even Bulldog supporters don’t want to be my friend! GO THE WARRIORS!

Dick of the Day

Len Brown, again! He has this “idea” (yeah, like no one else thought of it) to have Fan Zones for the Warriors…then proceeds to tell the sponsors they should front up with cash for it…your idea, buddy! I tellyou, give a monkey a gun…

Professionalism vs. Individualism…

While I have no doubt people will agree with one or the other, this to me is a personal gripe as I have always considered myself an individual, who while is more than capable of toeing the line, has always tried to maintain a sense of self and (at the risk of sounding new-age) being true to myself. I believe that I have made my friends, and closed a lot of business in my working life because I am who I am, call a spade a rectangular-shaped digging implement, and try to enjoy myself, but some are intolerant to this form of self-expression. Now I could name multiple examples, but yesterday this happened…

I flew to Auckland yesterday morning and due to the time constraints answering calls and responding toi emails was going to be all but non-existent. So I set my Out Of Office on, in my own style as such;

Subject: Someone’s in, but the lights aren’t on…

To all of those demanding my expertise and knowledge on all telecomms solutions…

I am in Auckland for the day, Monday 2nd May 2011 and will be on very limited access – for those awaiting stock, this will be delivered Tuesday or Wednesday on my return. For all other urgent matters, please refer below, otherwise I will respond to your emails when I can.

In the meantime, if you do not get anything from me please consider one of the helplines below for assistance;

Business Fixed Lines – 0800438458

Business Mobile – 888 from your mobile

Technical Support (data, Blackberry) – 0800 921 021

Apple Support – 0800 700 787

Act Party subscriptions – I have no idea, not my party, but I know who NOT to ask now!

I hope everyone had a great weekend, well done the Breakers, Will & Kate, and I look forward to catching up with you all soon.

With Warmest Regards

Keith “Alf” Eleftheriou

My immediate boss thought it was hilarious and responded;

Keith, write a goddamn book! You have a way with words, was just reading your out of office and even that’s different. If anything write a book full of creative out of office messages…

Gift of the gab!

…but someone (in Auckland of course) didn’t see it that way and demanded I change it, and he is certainly not my boss;

Good Morning Keith

Please change your “out of office” message ASAP. This does not look professional.

It should only read you are out of the office and when you will return with urgent query contact info. Please do this today and confirm when done with the new message. If you need me to create one for you I am happy to help.


It raises a question, are we all becoming ‘automatons’ required to fit a mould (not unlike the Nazi Aryan theory); has the humour and desire to stand out become offensive? Or should one express himself as he or she sees fit?

And are there situations that should maintain protocol?

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