the alfmeister

a figment of reality's imagination

Archive for the tag “complaint”

Wot’s…Uh the Deal?


I think it's time for a new uniform for the DHB

Just so I have got it right…

Three teenage boys. Check.

An older woman…and a nurse, no less. Check.

Right, are we clear on the main players in this little carry-on? Cool…bear with me please;

At 15 I had a driver’s license, firearms license, shorn and crutched sheep, shot wild deer and pigs, worked on a sheep station, drove tractors and heavy trucks, played Senior Reserve rugby, got pissed every weekend, even dabbled in some weed.

And I loved girls, especially older women. I had already lost my virginity (somewhat ho-hum to be honest) and had my share of handjobs and groping sessions, but being a randy little shit, I masturbated furiously in a feeble attempt to control the burgeoning hormones running amok in my seemingly over-sized testicles. And sneaking my dad’s collection of Playboys, Penthouses and Mayfairs didn’t help.

I was also about a year away from having a sexual liaison with an older woman, and while it isn’t prudent to ask a woman her age, I’m going to take a stab in the dark and say she was in her early forties. Call me naive, but if there is any young lad out there who has not, or does not dream of such a thing is bullshitting.

So, what the hell is the deal with this news about a 41 year old nurse being charged with having sexual relations with three 15 year old boys? Normally they would be considered legends for such a thing, and she’s a nurse too!!! Most of us have to beg our wives and girlfriends to wear a nurse’s uniform (I have been out with a few nurses…don’t know what it is, they are definitly something special) and these guys got one dropped, quite literally, into their lap! Read more…

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Man, that is so gay…sorry, I meant “over-exaggeratedly happy”…


Can someone please explain to me what the fuck is wrong with people today?

I was listening to the radio the other day and it seems there has been a little hoo-ha over the use of the word ‘gay’…well, that seems to be the case, unless you’re gay, and then it’s OK. But when a full-blooded, porn loving, beer-swilling, ball-scratching, farting bloke like me uses it in ANY context, that apparently is gay-bashing and upsets the Hush Puppy wearing community. No, no, no! If I were to call them pillow-biting, pooh-pushing, Marmite-drillers, I could understand  and expect some sort of backlash.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that, of course…

I’m not homo-phobic, in fact I am very much a fan of the lesbian persuasion, but do feel that there is a definite breach of the Fair Trading Act in that those lesbians I have met over the years do not look anything like those on DVD I buy in ‘second-hand bookstores’ behind hanging sheets. Thank you God for having Alison Mau switch sides! Read more…

Bitch Session…advertising that works against you…


In a follow up to advertising methods and madness, yesterday. As emailed after a near incident, 30.11.11;

To the Blonde Bitch in the Ford Territory, ******.

May I suggest in future that when driving a vehicle emblazoned in company colours and logos that you don’t drive like an Aucklander who has just come out of a 15 hour stint in a pub. Also, indicating ‘after the fact’ does not exonerate you from blame should you have actually removed the forward 1/2 metre of my car as you cut into my lane on Moorhouse Ave this morning.

Not sure if you heard my calling out to you, probably best you didn’t as I don’t normally use that term as they are deemed to be ‘useful’, something you seemingly are not.

May I suggest, and it’s only a suggestion so it is entirely your prerogative to ignore said advice, that you wait nicely, and patiently in the queue with the rest of us amoeba rather than scoot round outside lanes in order to jump three or four places.

There is no requirement to respond to this rant however this I promise; my quake damaged tiles will most certainly not be coming from your establishment.

Yours in Mocking Laughter

 the alfmeister

Bitch Session – Thrifty Car Rentals…


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To whom it may concern, and more importantly, to anyone who gives a damn…

A month ago I was the proud driver of the finest example of Japanese engineering and fashion when I hired a Suzuki something-or-another which I considered keeping as a toy for my daughter’s Barbie dolls. But I digress…I returned the car, satisfactorily clean, filled with gas, and despite the incessant urge to illegally street-race it, free from any wrong doing as seen in the eyes of our finest on the Thin Blue Line. Read more…

Beers I won’t review…


Beers you won't see at Jake the Muss' house...

It changes from man to man, but it would be fair to say that besides beer and sport, women rate as important things to us. Not those we are in a relationship or married to of course but coveting others is a skill and necessity burdened upon us since our evolution from scraping our knuckles in the dirt to using hands to scratch our arses and pick our noses.

But while we will happily allow the three subjects to intermix in advertising we will not allow cross-contamination in naming. Case in point, we will watch boxing with the animalistic tendencies of a shark feeding frenzy and be suitably impressed by (sexy) ring girls, but will not watch women’s boxing. We watch men’s tennis but not women’s (although we will all have screen savers of Sharapova’s peach-shaped arse on our computers). Read more…

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