the alfmeister

a figment of reality's imagination

Archive for the tag “car sales”

All In a Day’s Work…


Actual shot taken of me that day...

There I was, a used car salesman…at the time there was probably not many professions considered more untrustworthy at the time, but I was good, and my customers did love me and I made money…I had been about a year out of the Navy and still went out with a lot of my old sea-faring mates when the opportunity rose, and this time was no different. I can’t be sure, but I think it was HMNZS Canterbury (F421) that came back into Auckland from a long deployment overseas, and me and my (then) fiancée had some friends on board and went out with them to drink their return. For those who know/remember the scene in the early ’90s, we spent the whole night at The Waterfront down near the viaduct basin. And when I say whole night, I mean it…at one point I was ordering coffees instead of drinks and was falling asleep on the table and when D woke me up we decided that she was in a better state than I and she drove us home. It wasn’t that I was legless, I was so feckin’ tired! I was drunk, I’ll admit to that, but it was the fatigue that got me. Read more…

What a c–t! Bad Bosses…


As I sit here in my new unemployed guise, I thought I would dedicate a few dits to the badder side of my work experiences…as if it could be any worse than running through bank windows, crashing cars, having them stolen…for those easily offended you’ve definitely come to the wrong place as I am anything but subtle, as subtle as a sledgehammer between the eyes, but unlike Paul Henry, I will apologise for any offence caused, but never for what I have said.

I was working for Holden with this boss from hell…in fact he wasn’t really from hell, even Satan cringed in his shadow. But not in a sense where we feared him, anything but, he was just a fat cunt.

 

Bad Breath at its worst

Other than the time he tried to bollock me as I sat down with a paper and coffee at work one weekday afternoon. He accused me of slacking off and I should be out on the yard looking for customers. I looked at him with a look of discontent, and calmly said to him from behind my paper that I was just taking time out from the funeral I had just attended before getting up the mental strength before drinking for one of my best mates who had committed suicide.

But the time when we knew for a fact he was as welcome as sliced ham in a synagogue was during a morning meeting with our Sales Manager. Results weren’t great (except for me and Rob who were creaming it that month) when Ian came into the office and pinned an advert to the wall. Looking at us collectively, he yelled “This is the ad that is scheduled for the Herald on Wednesday. I have advertised for new salespeople to replace you useless fuckwits!” and stormed out.

Like I said…cunt.

The post script to this is that Rob dobbed him in to the owner (and one very powerful personality) for fraud where he ended up losing his job, his wife, massive house, cars, and was pretty much told ‘he would never work in this country again’. Couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy.

All In A Day’s Work…The Bank “Incident”


There are some who will read this who were there the night this happened…and I know they found it funny, but I can tell you, at the time, and for a long time afterwards I felt sick to the core!

I was working in a Used Car yard in Auckland back in the mid-90s that had three sites. One of the sites had completed a record month so there were drinks to be had at that yard to celebrate. We drank and were merry for a few hours before someone suggested we get cabs and go into town to carry on. Seemed like a great idea. I had my work car parked in the carpark of a bank right next door, and it was an unwritten thing between us and them that we could park there as long as it wasn’t during work hours, and seeing as I wouldn’t be back to collect my car until sometime the following day, I went to move it around the back of the yard for the night. I climbed in and started it, pulled the lever (auto) into reverse when a TXT came through on my cell from the better half. I pulled the lever into neutral and responded to the TXT telling her my plans for the night. Finished, I pulled the lever back again into reverse and hit the gas…only it wasn’t reverse! In the course of those few minutes, putting it into neutral was forgotten, so one ‘click’ back in my mind was reverse when in fact over the course of the gear shifts, I was now in drive!

The car went forward into the bank window!!!! The glass completely shattered (but held), and I just sat there, completely stunned…the headlights shining into the bank and lighting up the whole scene like a Christmas tree…the guys from the yard ran over, and apart from the obvious “shit!” and “f–k!” from them, there suddenly came a roar of laughter from a few of them…yeah, real fucken funny!

Jason told me to get it round the back as quick as, which I did, and locked it up. Coming back out front, a cop car just pulled out of the gas station across the road not making me feel and better…the guys said not to worry, and we piled into our cabs and went to town.

The following morning I went into the yard to pick up my car, and to see for myself if it had really happened..yep, it wasn’t a bad dream, well it was, but real. There were a few of the other dealers standing by as the glass was being replaced (a big pane too!) and another company were there starting on installing bollards. One young fellow from a neighbouring yard looked at me, and I think he knew straight away; “These are going to be called ‘Alf Busters’ in this street”. Yeah, another bloody comedian!

I sometimes wonder what the bank thought had happened…a smash and grab, without the grab?

As dealers driving non-registered cars, we were required to screw on ‘dealer plates’ (yellow with an X) and were only required to carry one…I carried mine on the back of the car, so any cameras in the bank wouldn’t have seen a plate at all…apart from those that were there, I hadn’t told this story to anyone until the Statute of Limitations was up…

All In A Day’s Work…The Bank “Incident”


 

There are some who will read this who were there the night this happened…and I know they found it funny, but I can tell you, at the time, and for a long time afterwards I felt sick to the core!

I was working in a Used Car yard in Auckland back in the mid-90s that had three sites. One of the sites had completed a record month so there were drinks to be had at that yard to celebrate. We drank and were merry for a few hours before someone suggested we get cabs and go into town to carry on. Seemed like a great idea. I had my work car parked in the carpark of a bank right next door, and it was an unwritten thing between us and them that we could park there as long as it wasn’t during work hours, and seeing as I wouldn’t be back to collect my car until sometime the following day, I went to move it around the back of the yard for the night. I climbed in and started it, pulled the lever (auto) into reverse when a TXT came through on my cell from the better half. I pulled the lever into neutral and responded to the TXT telling her my plans for the night. Finished, I pulled the lever back again into reverse and hit the gas…only it wasn’t reverse! In the course of those few minutes, putting it into neutral was forgotten, so one ‘click’ back in my mind was reverse when in fact over the course of the gear shifts, I was now in drive!

The car went forward into the bank window!!!! The glass completely shattered (but held), and I just sat there, completely stunned…the headlights shining into the bank and lighting up the whole scene like a Christmas tree…the guys from the yard ran over, and apart from the obvious “shit!” and “f–k!” from them, there suddenly came a roar of laughter from a few of them…yeah, real fucken funny!

Jason told me to get it round the back as quick as, which I did, and locked it up. Coming back out front, a cop car just pulled out of the gas station across the road not making me feel and better…the guys said not to worry, and we piled into our cabs and went to town.

The following morning I went into the yard to pick up my car, and to see for myself if it had really happened..yep, it wasn’t a bad dream, well it was, but real. There were a few of the other dealers standing by as the glass was being replaced (a big pane too!) and another company were there starting on installing bollards. One young fellow from a neighbouring yard looked at me, and I think he knew straight away; “These are going to be called ‘Alf Busters’ in this street”. Yeah, another bloody comedian!

I sometimes wonder what the bank thought had happened…a smash and grab, without the grab?

"Can I please get directions?"

As dealers driving non-registered cars, we were required to screw on ‘dealer plates’ (yellow with an X) and were only required to carry one…I carried mine on the back of the car, so any cameras in the bank wouldn’t have seen a plate at all…apart from those that were there, I hadn’t told this story to anyone until the Statute of Limitations was up…

All in a day’s work…


>The hell test drive…

A older friend of mine asked if I would look after her niece who was after a new (used) car. No worries, I had the car she was after, a Honda Integra V-Tec manual.

So anyway she fronted up as agreed, and she was a hottie! I don’t mind saying it, I mean I was a salesman, and I had to act like one! So anyway, we went for a drive in this Integra and headed out to Manukau and the back roads so we could open her up…the car, not the girl!!!

So we head down this steep hill and I told her to get up some pace and see what the car was capable of, which she duly did. After a bit I looked over and saw the needle was pushing 180kph, basically off the clock for a Japanese import and as I turned to the front we came over a rise and fuck me if there wasn’t road works barely 100m ahead of us! She hit the brakes, hard, and the car locked up and we screeched towards this poor young fellow with the lollipop making a hell of a racket and seemingly not slowing down enough. there was a line of cars waiting to get through the works and I was sure I was going to be in the back seat of one, if not more of them. Anyway, to this girl’s credit, she kept on the brake, kept the car straight (thank god for ABS braking!) and we stopped barely a metre behind the last car in the queue. I could see the woman in the car in front looking in the rear view, her eyes like dinner plates!!! The young guy holding the STOP/GO sign was nearly in the ditch on the side of the road…and as I extracted my finger nails from the dash, this almighty cloud of burnt rubber caught up to us and carried on past – you could not see a thing through it!

Needless to say, I drove us back, and all the way the rear tyres were going dadump dadump dadump on the flat spots!

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