the alfmeister

a figment of reality's imagination

Archive for the category “Weird & Wonderful”

The Destruction of The Twin Towers (gastronomically speaking)…


Official Report, 7 February, 2014 1928hrs;

Suspect entered the premises through front door in company with unidentified accomplice. Both were dressed casually, and at first inspection it would be deemed that there was nothing particularly threatening about them, however the well-built of the two was strikingly handsome which was the first indication there might be some problems – no one in their right mind can be that good-looking.

As they chatted to the teller it was apparent that the two were intoxicated, beer being the obvious substance due to vapors prominent in the closed confines of the restaurant. On scouting the area it was noted there was a bar of ill-repute right across the street and subsequent investigation indicated the suspects had been on site for some hours, quite possibly planning this attack.

After initially speaking to the young girl the manager was called out front to deal with whatever request had been made, and after considerable confusion come utter chaos as all staff members present were frantically dealing with their demands. While it was still not clear to me what their intentions were, the cash register did show a total of $75.40 demanded and authorities were alerted.

When the ‘booty’ was handed over there was an audible gasp from other patrons as it was now clear that something inhumane was taking place and there could be fallout. The two suspects made their way to a table far enough removed from everyone else and the attack began. The good-looking fellow seemed oblivious to the world around him as he remained focus on his planned attack, however his side kick may well have been having second thoughts as he could not concentrate on the task at hand, and was actually witnessed to have pulled out of what proved to be a futile exercise. The leader, however, was focussed and completed the annihilation in a time unofficially noted as being less than 20mins. With little fanfare of regard for their del;low human beings, they both left, the victor savoring a litre of Coke and Raspberry through a straw. On closer inspection of the damage their was no visible trace that anything had actually taken place; forensic evidence taken from the scene indicated this was a thorough and highly professional job and nothing of note could be lifted.

Case Unsolved; target at large.

Official Report, 14 February, 2014, 2132hrs.

In what proved to be a cunning attempt at flaunting their crime in front of authorities, both suspects re-entered the premises a week later than above, the irony of the date not lost on all present; The Valentine’s Day Massacre was a thing of folk-lore, however authorities alerted to the unfolding scenario were clear on one thing, this would be worse, with collateral damage.

Some staff immediately recognised the attractive man, and maybe in an effort to appease him spoke openly and with outward happiness which seemed to soothe the savage beast. Unlike the previous instance where confusion was dominant, the staff were obviously well-equipped this time round and quickly and efficiently had the task completed. Quite possibly as a result of the debacle the week before, the second person had somewhat distanced himself from the goal and had settled into a minor role on the act playing out before all and sundry.

The handsome male (did we mention how good-looking he was?) seemed intent on having his sick fantasy recorded for prosperity as the manager, now a guest in his presence videoed the entire spectacle from her smart device while the accomplice timed the affair on his.

In a blur, akin to a pack of sharks feeding on a carcass, the target was destroyed, obliterated from the annals of history to be nothing more than a mere memory, another yet forgotten victim of circumstance. It was both ugly and beautiful to behold, this slight frame of a person, possessing movie-star looks defied all laws of physics, biology, and human dignity to eliminate the target in less than nine minutes. He was coolly observed to have noted to all within earshot that he was attempting a sub-five minute attempt, however within the first few stages of the act manage to take some serious body shots; tongue, lip, and inner cheek showing battle scars which obviously slowed his progress.

And then they were no more, leaving in the same openly loud and obnoxious manner in which they had announced themselves. Those witness to it will recall the story for years to come, medical authorities will no doubt dissect this unnatural phenomenon, and insurance agents will rip up all paperwork.

Case Open; target still at large, considered highly dangerous in food circles yet so handsome.

Post Script; the record for consumption is held by a Canadian operative in the unbelievable time of 1min 19secs. In NZ it sits at a yet unconfirmed 6mins.

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Time for a law change…


Here in NZ we are way too lackadaisical on offenders, and more and more so, repeat offenders. While boy-racers are now getting their cars crushed, drink drivers seemingly get the royal treatment by getting back on the road or being put up in tax-payer-sponsored holiday homes.

Well, this little clip from Singapore showcasing how drink-drivers are punished should be brought into law, now!

While it might appeal to the sadomasochistic nutters out there I can tell you, like my father brought me up, do something wrong and I can guarantee you’d only do it once! I am actually amazed this guy walked out under his own steam, I would’ve passed out from the shock of pain after about the fourth or fifth strike.

Hello…? Happy Valentine’s Day


Someone with an apparent skill with splicing and desktop software (and obviously too much time on their hands) has come up with a beaut little clip of screen dialogue and put it to that most tacky of 80s love songs, Lionel Richie’s “Hello”.

Enjoy.

Disclaimer; the alfmeister takes no responsibility for the inane humming in your head of this song for the remainder of the day.

You call that shredding? No, this is Warp Factor 9!


Tiago Della Vega

In reading the Guinness Book of Records 2011 I am flummoxed by the amount of bullshit records there are out there, it seems you can do anything now and be a record holder…there were no fewer than a dozen different records alone for running a marathon dressed as something or other; a bottle, a nurse, a Superhero…for fuck’s sake, what happened to what ‘normal’ people do?

Another was how many tennis balls could be held in one hand (23 I think from memory) but I didn’t see one for ping-pong balls, bowling balls, cricket balls, or even rugby balls. How sets these parameters? I for example am the World Record holder for the number of my own hairy balls in one hand; 2. Although it is a record shared by my wife, various other girlfriends and a female doctor who gave me my leaving examination from the Navy. Either way, no one has yet to hold three of my balls in the palm of their hand, so why am I not in the book?

I digress, sorry, way off track…

But I saw this particular record as a footnote on a page and being a guitarist myself made a note to look it up. I personally have never played “Flight of the Bumblebee” on guitar, or any other instrument, and have no real intention to do so. But this fella had a crack, and as the clip shows did so pretty well at first crack, which not noted seems to be somewhere in the region of 180bpm. Read more…

Banksy…


I love art.

I love art that makes you think.

I love Banksy…not that way, not that there’s anything wrong with that, of course.

We live in an age where rapping the word ‘fuck’ and rhyming it with other words makes a hit single and earns squillions of dollars.

A ‘painter’ drops his daks, aims his arse at a canvas and shits over it and sells it to some yuppie with a cardie over his shoulders for hundreds of thousands of dollars.

And where degenerates are making tax-free cash out of school kids by selling P who then pull knives on their mates and girlfriends and my tax dollar goes down the drain while an ineffectual Police force struggles with political correctness and racial prejudice.

And yet Banaksy makes 5/8ths of sweet fuck-all from his methodology (relatively speaking), makes us thinks, and then is branded a criminal. Read more…

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