Variety is the spice of life…or is it? Burger Review…
Shit…I made a vow not to enter the ‘Big Three’ ever again due to what I believed was a blatant disregard for the Fair Trading Act, i.e. what they told us we were getting was a fair distance from reality. Isn’t it enough we get this from our politicians?
If there’s two things in selling food that are like a red rag to a bull, its words like ‘big’ and ‘hot’…I use these words often with my wife, which in itself may be open to interpretation if either apply in reality. So Macca’s sucked me in, held out the pot at the end of the rainbow, promised redemption in a promised land, and offered me the chance for salvation in the form of their new Peri Peri Scorcher burger…normally it is a burger that wouldn’t get me excited, chicken is best served in Chinese takeaways, but they used the word ‘hot’ and claimed it was ‘pretty hot’. Further to that, to over emphasise the claim, the use of ‘Scorcher” in the name itself was only asking for trouble…
Now use of the word ‘pretty’ in itself is a subjective term, I have met plenty of ‘pretty’ girls who had a face that looked like a Bulldog that swallowed a wasp, but to couple it with ‘hot’ was only daring me to come out of hiding and get back into the fold of the morbidly obese.
As I have been burnt so many times by McDonald’s in the past (no pun intended) I decided to order two such burgers this time as I hadn’t eaten since the previous evening and wouldn’t be for some time, so having 1000+ calories sitting heavy in the bottom of my well-adjusted gut, like plutonium rods, seemed a good idea at the time. The burgers, admittedly, looked pleasant enough, and as far as burgers go had a closer resemblance to the adverts than many before them. However the chicken, looking larger than it was in buns smaller than breakfast croissants, looked (and ultimately tasted) drier than an 80-year old whore, eating pretzels in the middle of a Canterbury Nor’Wester. This aside, it wasn’t so much the feast I was testing here (which was merely, and barely, OK) it was the claim of being ‘pretty hot’. The first
one didn’t raise any temperature on my forehead, tongue, inner checks, nothing and I deduced it may be down to the fact that most of the sauce (as the photo shows) seemed destined to sit in the box itself rather than in my burger. Maybe McD’s used this as a safety margin for its customers in order to allow them to scoop on the desired amount to administer to individual abilities…I think not. But, in the interest of scientific research, I ate the second (which appeared to have more sauce inside the bun) as a comparison.
adjective, hot·ter, hot·test, adverb,verb, hot·ted, hot·ting, noun.
adjective1.having or giving off heat; having a high temperature: a hot fire;hot coffee.2.having or causing a sensation of great bodily heat; attended with or producing such a sensation: He was hot with fever.3.creating a burning sensation, as on the skin or in the throat:This ointment is hot, so apply it sparingly.4.sharply peppery or pungent: Is this mustard hot?
5.having or showing intense or violent feeling; ardent; fervent;vehement; excited: a hot temper.
Above is the definition from dictionary.com, none of which applied to the Peri Peri. In all fairness to McD’s, when it comes to ‘hot’, I am the Chuck Norris of spice.
And that is where I will leave it.