the alfmeister

a figment of reality's imagination

Book Review; 50 Shades of….*yawn*

A novel by EL James

For those who have followed my book reviews over the years you would notice it doesn’t take me long to read a book, anywhere from a couple of days to a week, at most….

…reading 50 Shades of Grey took me somewhere between 2 and 3 months, and therein lies a hint at my thoughts of this book.

A friend asked me to read it and at the time I was aware of the book, I mean you would have had to live under a rock, or in Gore not to know about, but I actually had no idea what it was about. When I found out (my wife was reading it) I became very close-minded about it…

…for those who really know me I love porn. Not in a sick way where I lock myself in a small room running up massive bills on my credit card or hiding in the toilet having a wank, but I have been exposed to it for a long time, and am very open about it. However I have no interest in S&M, or other sub-genres associated with domination, and then to have it written by a woman was not endearing itself to me. I know, it is a narrow-minded statement but that’s how I felt about it. But if nothing else I will always give a book a chance (shit, do you remember my trial by fire with Richard Laymon’s books!?).

Anyway back to the book. This is how I interpreted it; Naive stunner (who happens to be a virgin, big point to my argument) meets an extremely rich, handsome man (is there any other type? Just once give me a fat chick bagging a hunk, or an ugly fucker banging a super model!) and this guy, despite all his squillions of dollars still needs to satisfy his control on things by dominating women. OK, fair enough, no issues here so far.

But as the book went on it took on the familiar, self-destructing plot; man offers her a contract to allow him to beat her and chain her up (good call), girl freaks out (as you do), girl can’t stop thinking about him (ummmm, ok), entertains the idea with some out clauses (huh?), falls for him (yeah, yeah, get on with it)…etc, etc, et al…


…*growing anger*

…so here we have the  main issues I have with the book;

1. it comes across as a Mills & Boon tale of tragic love, the only notable difference being that instead of words like “turgid tool”, “centre of my wanton sexual desire”, and “release” we have “cock”, “centre of my wanton sexual desire” (I don’t remember seeing the word ‘cunt’ at all, completely missed the point of hard-erotica), and “come” (which women seem to purposely avoid to demonstrate ejaculation…why?).

2. we have a 20-something virgin whose first sexual act is with a control freak who offers her contractual obligations such as sodomy, fisting, crops and chains, and debasement…yeah, right. I couldn’t even get my virginal conquests to ‘touch it’…

3. and then we have a man, completely unhinged from social acceptance, ingrained in a world of domination, success, and of cold, stoney heart, who, it might be worth pointing out, can have any, ANY, woman he wants (if James description is to be accepted of him), and yet he is fascinated by this plain-Jane, girl-next-door with an attitude and what appears to be weakened eye muscles. And to really fuck me off, he seemingly falls in love with her!

4. a whole book about domination and I think we got, at best, two ‘episodes’ – you cannot count the sex in the bath, or in the boat house, or in the hotels as this is (correct me if I am wrong) pretty much normal sexual activity. I’ve done most of this, but never would consider it the precursor to S&M.

5. the female orgasm, to many men, is pretty much a myth. We have heard fake ones, real ones, not-sure-if-it-was-one ones, but it would be fair to say that they are spread pretty thinly over the course of any relationship (at least where we are involved). This bitch comes at the drop of a hat, and in multiples of twos and threes. Yet at no time do we get any indication of her requiring hand towels, tissues, hankies, or cushions to mop up the mess, nor does she require sanitary pads to restrict the soaking of her knickers (when she wears them), nor the familiar odor that sometimes comes (excuse the pun) with it (when she doesn’t)…

6…and while we on the subject…the tampon incident was just so, so, sooooooo wrong. Makes me cringe thinking about it.

Similarly as with phone sex workers, the harsh reality is a distant second to the imagination….

So, after blasting my frustration out, in short the book was shit, absolute shit. At times I will admit I got into it, but like my wife, it was the story that was getting interesting, the sex was an annoying interjection. Dumb, crap, bollocks. And then I have a theory…

…first, there wouldn’t be too much reading material of this graphic nature for the fairer sex, Jackie Collins being a feeble, distant contributor to the genre so a book like this, with a smattering of top-shelf rude words and expletives is always going to sell well, and create a media buzz…but I suspect it has this hype because the women are getting in type what they are not getting in reality…a good hard root. There, said it, and now will await the expected avalanche of abuse from all quarters.



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2 thoughts on “Book Review; 50 Shades of….*yawn*

  1. THANK YOU!!! Finally some honesty about this book! I haven’t even read it, not interested in reading it. I have to say as always you had me laughing. I would suggest Zane but it’s an all black cast of characters so you might not be interested. I tell the girls all the time, stop complaining and just tell the man what you want! FUCK ME! LMAO

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