Food Review – McDonald’s Chicken Scorcher (with Xtra Spicy Mayo)

Not spicy at all...was the burger?

The challenge was set….to quote;

@MaccasNZ We’re tucking into the brand new Chicken Scorcher burger and living it. Spicy.

@the_alfmeister (to @MaccasNZ) now that looks like a burger! Spicy? How spicy? Put toilet paper in the freezer spicy? As that’s what I like…

@MaccasNZ (to @the_alfmeister) Haha! Well each to his own, but we think it is pretty spicy!

After this initial banter on Twitter (ahhh, I hear some of you say not understanding all the hieroglyphics of above) 9 days ago it had been in the dark recesses of my mind to trial this supposedly ‘spicy’ offering, like a virgin sacrifice to King Kong.

Well, loyal reader of all things useless, today was that day where I took that challenge.

Armed to the teeth with my latest book (review to come later, 700+ pages) I wandered into Maccas on Moorhouse Ave in CHCH on a stunning Canterbury day. The birds were singing, and their was joy in the world as behind me the Grand Chancellor was being dismantled piece by painstaking piece…don’t know why they don’t fucken blow it up like the Yanks do, you can at least give them credit for that!

Now who wouldn't eat this? OK, Foghorn Leghorn might'nt...

Speaking to a young fellow old enough to take my daughter out (sure, meet my gun, punk!) I ordered the Chicken Scorcher Combo and up-sized it. For the benefit of those who read this State-side, up-sizing here is no big deal. You get a smattering of extra chips which a homeless person would take as an insult and a cup for your drink equivalent of a US cappuccino. And I asked aforementioned fellow was there varying degrees of spiciness, as in could I dial it up’ a bit? This actually flies in the face a little of my method of madness, and hopefully both BK and KFC won’t take umbrage to it and force a ‘cease and desist’ campaign as their burgers were treated as ‘stock standard’, ‘off the shelf’ if you will. the young man (and the cutie next to him who was by now fascinated by this anally-retentive fast-fooder with a book the size of King James’ explained that it was a combo of the pattie (chicken pattie?) and the mayo gave it the spiciness as advertised, and to oomph it to new levels could be achieved by adding more mayo. I duly accepted this offer and waited with drool rolling off my chin…

..imagine to my pleasant surprise when no sooner had I stepped back to allow a tattooed young, sexually-ambigous individual with the appearance of fruit salad make his order and there mine sat, beckoning me like the Holy Grail. Nicely done people!

Seated near the window, basking in the sun and book opened to Chapter 9 (“Fleet Action”) I chowed down my fries – I am a creature of habit and the food I least like to have a lasting impression on my palette are always eaten first, which is odd in this sense as McD’s do fine fries, most of the time – and then moved to the burger.

Why is the box required to hold the burger always at least 50% larger than is required? The burger – biggish enough I guess, certainly seemed value for money compared to times gone past – sat in the bottom looking a little forlorn, like a cowering child. And as the photo portrays, it is the delectable equivalent of a house – beautifully presented frontage to the roadside and passers-by, but nip round the back yard and it is overgrown in weeds with the rusting hulk of grand dad’s Holden and young Ruff lost forever amongst the rubbish. This photo shows the badder side…not a great start. But then again, they all bloody well do it and it seems there is not a jot we can do to stop it.

It's not even like I have big hands! Hardly inviting...

But lo and behold! My dear fatties (not that I’m fat, shit no, I have some pride in myself and can say ‘no’…except to booze and loose women) and Scoville-ites (that’s you @Crecre01), this morsel does have a kick, while not eye-watering, a kick nevertheless, like a three-legged donkey you got too close to. I have to say, KFC’s Zinger equivalents don’t compare, and while not anywhere as good as a good curry or Mexican dish.

I find Kiwis don’t have the stomach for rich and spicy food – they all say they do but considering the national dish is the humble mince-pie or fish n chips, I wouldn’t bet too much on this burger setting records in sales compared to the tried and true Big Mac and Quarter Pounders…in fact I would bank on most barely trying it once let alone again.

Me? I won’t eat it again it just didn’t drive me insane. The Quarter Pounder and Kiwi Angus still reign supreme (except for my beloved Double Whopper with Cheese) but with respect to my tasting ‘newbies’, this is a good’un.

But now it’s time to get pissed off. That extra mayo (spelt Xtra on the docket, wonder if Telecom don’t mind that?) that was offered, seems even ‘advice’ costs you. 30-bloody cents!!! While it is only pittance, that’s not the point: at no point was a charge pointed out (which strictly speaking is a breach of the Fair Trading Act) but 30c for a splotch of mayo (which actually ruined the taste if anything)…fuck, I would love that kind of mark up on my product!

Sorry, but it isn’t a critique without criticism. Thanks for the great service and the better-than-average meal and experience guys.

So, what next?

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