the alfmeister

a figment of reality's imagination

All In a Day’s Work…

Actual shot taken of me that day...

There I was, a used car salesman…at the time there was probably not many professions considered more untrustworthy at the time, but I was good, and my customers did love me and I made money…I had been about a year out of the Navy and still went out with a lot of my old sea-faring mates when the opportunity rose, and this time was no different. I can’t be sure, but I think it was HMNZS Canterbury (F421) that came back into Auckland from a long deployment overseas, and me and my (then) fiancée had some friends on board and went out with them to drink their return. For those who know/remember the scene in the early ’90s, we spent the whole night at The Waterfront down near the viaduct basin. And when I say whole night, I mean it…at one point I was ordering coffees instead of drinks and was falling asleep on the table and when D woke me up we decided that she was in a better state than I and she drove us home. It wasn’t that I was legless, I was so feckin’ tired! I was drunk, I’ll admit to that, but it was the fatigue that got me.

So in bed at about 6am…out, shit, shaved, showered and shampooed by half eight for work on the Saturday morning. And into work I drove, no doubt still drunk, and still feckin’ tired!! At work there were three of us that day; Geoff as senior salesman was acting manager that day in the absence of the bosses, and JP, a Frenchman with an attitude and in love with himself…and if there was ever the epitome of wing-tipped shoe/gold-medallion salesman, JP was it…but roll a pooh in glitter, it’s still just a piece of shit…

Geoff wanted to get deals out this day as it was anticipated to be slow due to some weekend celebration so told me and JP that whoever sold the first car of the day would get a $200 cash bonus on top of normal commission…well we did it for money (although the cars we got to drive were cool too) but I figured I was out of the running as I must’ve looked like I felt…a hedgehog who has been hit by a bus only to have a hawk swoop down on it, shit in its mouth, and then have a molasses semi-articulated truck tip its load over me…so I helped prep the yard, put the flags out, unlocked the cars and then proceeded to go upstairs and fall asleep on the couch. I woke a few hours later, ordered two pizzas, ate them, and then went to sleep for a few more hours. I do remember answering the phone “Alf struggling…” at one point, but sometime later I got up to help lock the cars and bring in the flags.

Also; sculled, torpedoed...

While doing this a couple with two kids came up to me and started asking about a Nissan Sentra SSS I happened to be standing by at that moment…shit, just what I needed when all I could think about was a feed and some more sleep at home in my bed. I normally love chatting to customers, but I tried almost everything to indicate to them that I wasn’t interested in helping them and couldn’t give a jot if they wanted it or not, but they kept asking, and I kept answering. Then sometime, and somehow I found myself trudging up to the showroom to get the keys to take them for a test drive. Normally I would drive down the road and then hand over, but basically tossed him the keys and we all climbed in…me and the kids in the back, Mr and Mrs in front. While we drove they kept asking questions and making idle chatter with me as we went on what seemed like a trans-country Sunday drive as I propped myself into the corner in the back, the two kids wondering if I was alive or dying, and the smell of fumes and pizza filling the car (maybe I had drunken more than I thought). And sometime later we ended up back at the yard which was lucky as I had no idea where we had gone! And then as I rolled myself out of the car, they said “Yes, we’ll buy it!”. Jesus fucking Christ!!! So more of my precious time chewed up with paperwork etcetera…what I hadn’t noticed was JP’s expression as I sat at the desk signing them up…as it turned out, for the whole 10 minutes of the day I had been awake I had managed to sell the only car of the day…so, that made the bonus mine!!! Well shave my head and call me a soft-boiled egg!!! That perked me up no end and made my day…

PiS…in no way do I condone the following…drinking with Naval personnel, staying out until 6am when you have to work that day, drink and drive, drink and work, drink and sell (ironically a deal can be ‘undone’ if the buyer is under the influence), pissing off egotistical Frenchmen, answering phones with “Alf struggling”, dealing with the public, and eating two whole pizzas!

PiSS…I do, however, openly condone all of the above (except drink driving of course!!!!)…just not within any given 12 hour period!!!


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