the alfmeister

a figment of reality's imagination

RWC Rules as sanctioned by men the world over…

Now with the first game playing tonight I just had to pass this little gem on from my mate in Auckland (and Blues supporter, go figure) – Mike, I didn’t ask but I hope it’s all OK to re-post this on your behalf for others in the same predicament? Anyways, too late, the paper has gone to press as they say…Tonga by 14…

Extremely  important advice and recommendations to be passed on to wives, girlfriends,  fiancées, mothers, sisters, daughters, etc. (to all women in General)  

These  rules are to be communicated prior to the World Cup in September/October this  year…


List of Rules (Read and print them)

1. From 9 Sep to October  2011, you  should read the sports section of the newspaper so that you are aware of what is  going on regarding the World Cup, and that way you will be able to join in the  conversations. If you fail to do this, then you will be looked at in a bad way,  or you will be totally ignored. DO NOT complain about not receiving any  attention.

2. During the World Cup, the television is mine, the VCR and  DVD are all mine, at all times, without any exceptions. If you even take a  glimpse of the remote control, you will lose it (your eye).

3. If you  have to pass by in front of the TV during a game, I don’t mind, as long as you  do it crawling on the floor and without distracting me. If you decide to stand  nude in front of the TV, make sure you put clothes on right after because if you  catch a cold, I won’t have time to take you to the doctor or look after you  during the World Cup month.

4. During the games I will be blind, deaf and  mute, unless I require a refill of my drink or something to eat. You are out of  your mind if you expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer the  telephone, or pick up the baby that just fell from the second floor….it won’t  happen.

5. It would be a good idea for you to keep at least 2 six packs  in the fridge at all times, as well as plenty of things to nibble on, and please  do not make any funny faces to my friends when they come over to watch the  games. In return, you will be allowed to use the TV between 12pm and  3pm, unless  they replay a good game that I missed during the day.

6. Please, please,  please!! If you see me upset because one of my teams is losing, DO NOT say “get  over it, it’s only a game”, or “don’t worry, they’ll win next time”. If you say  these things, you will only make me angrier and I will love you less. Remember,  you will never ever know more about rugby than me and your so-called “words of  encouragement” will only lead to a break up or divorce.

 7. You are  welcome to sit with me to watch one game and you can talk to me during halftime  but only when the commercials are on, and only if the halftime score is pleasing  me. In addition, please note I am saying “one” game, hence do not use the World  Cup as a nice cheesy excuse to “spend time together”.

8. The replays of  the tries are very important. I don’t care if I have seen them or I haven’t seen  them, I want to see them again. Many times, and record them.

9. Tell your  friends NOT to have any babies, or any other child related parties or gatherings  that requires my attendance because:
a) I will not go,
b) I will not go,  and
c) I will not go.

10. But, if a friend of mine invites us to his  house on a Sunday to watch a game, we will be there in a flash.

11.  The daily World Cup highlights show on TV every night is just as important as  the games themselves. Do not even think about saying “but you have already seen  this…why don’t you change the channel to something we can all watch??”, the  reply will be: “Refer to Rule #2 of this list”.

12. And finally, please save your expressions such as “Thank goodness the World Cup is only every 4  years”.
I am immune to these words, because after this comes the 20 Twenty World  Cup, etc etc.

 From The Alfmeister…

The only clauses that appear to be missing are;

13. In the likely event that the All Blacks crash and burn, please don any protective gear handy as projectiles travelling at high velocity will be randomly flung about my person.

13.1 This will be exponentially greater should the Wallabies defeat us.

14. Under no circumstances are you to answer any calls, reply to any emails, nor invite The Alfmeister to our house in the better than even odds of Clause 13.1 be as he correctly predicted.


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One thought on “RWC Rules as sanctioned by men the world over…

  1. the alfmeister on said:

    Here is a classic comment from one reader of the rules;

    Fuck this is a God-send. Just wrote my version last night but it was less tactful…

    Dear Anna,

    Leave me alone. See you and the kids again in early November.

    Your loving fiancé,
    Jason xx

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