the alfmeister

a figment of reality's imagination

How to…


Open a bottle of beer with a lighter

It still surprises me how many people (and by people, I mean blokes) cannot open a beer bottle with anything other than a bottle opener.So, love, here is a simple step-by-step instruction manual on how to do so with a cigarette lighter.

Step 1. Ingredients; 1 x bottle of beer, 1 x cigarette lighter. Thanks to Bic and Speights for (unknowingly) volunteering their products towards this manliness class. Neither have paid for the privilege, are here by pure testosteroneness.

PiS…you don’t have to use a Bic and Speights specifically, any beer and lighter will do.

PiSS..Zippo lighters are not recommended.

PiSSS…I know Speights are twist-tops, but I didn’t have any other beer in the fridge…why would I?

PiSSSS…Kuhtze, Rheineck and Budweiser are girly drinks and will not be tolerated.

Step 2. Grip the neck of the bottle with your hand and wedge the bottom of the lighter between the forefinger and bottle cap (the ideal place will vary from person to person, I use the area between the first and second knuckle).

PiS…if you are being filmed, photographed, or are impressing a growing number of unmanly guys and horny girls, showing the label of the beverage can lead to future sponsorship when uploaded to FB, Twitter and Crime Watch.

Step 3. With your free hand leverage the lighter down thus forcing the bottle cap up. The grip on the neck of the bottle should be increased.

PiS…at no point should grimacing or other signs of pain be portrayed to your adoring audience.

Step 4. Viola! The bottle cap comes off. Now, if done in one swift movement, and the beer is of good quality you will be able to create an orgasm-inducing ‘pop’ and the bottle cap will be seen flying through the air.

PiS…at no point whatsoever should the word “Viola” pass a man’s lips.

Notes;

  • does work for left-or right-handed people. Left-handed bottles and/or lighters may be required to work effectively.
  • for extra machoness, tap the bottle cap a couple of times with the bottom of the lighter prior to step 2. This can help with non-twisties however may eliminate the desired ‘pop’.
  • for maximum effect of manliness carry out steps 2-4 without a bench top or similar. “Airtime” is pure awesome!
  • lighters need not be the do-all, end-all for leverage devices. BBQ implements, cutlery, tools, coins, and most other hard-man objects can be used. PiS…don’t let the missus see you use her cutlery!

Next week; I will show you how to open two bottles of beer with just the two bottles. Uber-manliness!

Advertisements

Single Post Navigation

One thought on “How to…

  1. sachin on said:

    Hmmm – you have too much time on your hands. Only 12:38pm and already drinking? I assuming it’s your first of the day – but shouldn’t you waited until at least 1:00pm????

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: