Little Ted’s Misadventure…
Story by Keith Eleftheriou, OBE, ABC, DIC(K)
Photography by Gael Murray Esq.
Once upon a time, approximately five years after the Goldilocks Massacre of ’98, Baby Ted left home and went flatting. In what was to become the downfall of a once loveable rogue of children’s literature turned into a living nightmare the sum of which we can only imagine lives in the world of movies by Tim Norton or the Cohen Brothers.
It all started when Little ted started falling into the wrong circle of friends. Now kids, this is very important. Your friends are never really your friends, always stealing your money, girlfriends, or worst of all, your Wham CDs. So never like anyone otherwise you will fall into bad things like Little Ted.
It started when he was invited to a Labour Party rally by a flatmate. Real degradation took place at these kind of parties, BDSM, booze and drugs, plus massive orgies lasting all night and into the next. Little ted was scared, but a woman named Gail (real name withheld) took him outside and offered him a smoke. Little ted was scared, but he wanted to be liked, and as this girl was also rubbing the inside of his left leg he took the smoke. Now this was a special smoke, and kids, this smoke should only be bought from friends you know and like. And while we live in the metric system of grams and kilos, special smokes are sold in ounces, and if you’re lucky, pounds. And you might hear some funny words like ‘spliff’, ‘toke’, ‘laced’, ‘Rastafarian’, and ‘Bob Marley’. Make sure you ask your local dealer for pamphlets on this so as not to be embarrassed the next time round.
Little Ted doesn’t remember much past this moment other than he awoke in his own bed with money missing from his bum bag and had dirt all over his furry back.
The following night the harlot came round to his flat again…now kids, if the same lady comes back, this is a no-no. If a girl sees you again and wants to be your friend, this means she is ‘easy’, and while everyone likes easy girls, they can carry things. Not carry things like bags or extra weight or grudges (like a lot of them do) but germs and ‘coodies’. Some of these just give you a small sore on your lip, but some really, really bad ones give you a burning sensation when you go wees, and sometimes a yucky coloured and smelly discharge. So be careful and only go out with non-Catholic girls and second-cousins.
So this girl had brought some drinks for Little ted and her to drink. Not Raro or Fanta, or even an shandy like his dad sometimes gave him, but something called booze. Booze is actually a good drink that makes you feel happy, especially when you drink lots and lots of it. You might want to do this because you want to be liked, or you want to forget, or if you’re committed to become an alcoholic. But there are some not very nice drinks out there, and Gail had these. Villa Maria and Wild Turkey, the calling card of the lower-socioeconomic, just a step up from the street dweller’s choice of poison, Double Brown, Pink Chardon, and methylated spirits.
Soon Little ted was feeling a bit sick, but as the girl kept filling his funnel, he kept on ‘chugging’. Then something went wrong. Ted was telling Gail about how much he loved her and wanted to marry her and his flatmate was a f–ken dick, his tummy went googly, and he tasted something metallic in his throat. He ran to the toilet and big chunks of vegetables and bacon came out of his mouth in a rainbow of colours that made a sound like Ted was reciting the Koran in Swahili. But in fact he was vomiting – can you say that kids? Vom-it-ing. Good. With the soothing cool feel of the porcelain against his cheek, Little Ted slept.
Like the night before, Little ted woke up in his own bed. He has a bowl full of what looked like Goldilock’s innards and a wet towel on his head. But there was something wrong, and he couldn’t figure it out. Did it have something to do with the fact that his bottom hurt? He couldn’t remember. He started to cry, and wished he was at home in the woods with his mummy and daddy. And he creid…and cried…and cried…and no one listened.
Now kids, let this be a lesson to you;
- Only buy your cigarettes in a dark alley or school carpark…never at a political get together
- Girls can be fun, but be wary. Like vegetables, there are good ones like potatoes and carrots, but also some bad ones like brussel sprouts and turnip
- Beer should only come from Europe, never from South Auckland or Porirua
- Wine should always be in a bottle, and cost at least $8.95 a bottle
- Condoms can be got for free from a clinic – while you’re there, why not ask for a test too?
- Always have a video recording in your room – this is good for remembering things, incriminating evidence, or best of all, blackmail
Next week, Little Ted is invited to a Swinger’s Party, which he is excited about as he loves playgrounds! See you then, He Kone Ra (or something like that).
No Teddy Bears were harmed in the making of this book. The events are true, no reenactments have taken place. All actors are over 18.