the alfmeister

a figment of reality's imagination

Up or Down?


Should the toilet seat be up or down?

And where does the responsibility lie?

What they would have you believe

From the dawn of time the debate of the humble toilet seat has been hotly contested in (civilised) homes around the world. In fact it is a little known fact that while 1 in 3 marriages are destined to fail in the first year, 1 out of 2 of these are the direct result of improper management of the porcelain. As a person who is most concerned with such topics I have taken it upon myself to educate and provide counsel to young couples the world over whose relationships are at this very moment hang by a thread.

There are two angles to attack this problem; scientific, and logical. 

This will create its own problems as “Up or Down?” has no emotional, fashionable, nor financial aspect to it so it may be that from here on in all concepts are likely to pass high above the feminine ability to digest facts, figures and conclusions. At the risk of sounding condescending ladies but your lack of reasoning and logical thought while considered cute and endearing at times has ultimately rendered your arguments useless.

Looking at this from a totally unbiased and educated point of view (namely, my own) there is no doubt who gets the shitty end of the stick here (pun fully intended)…the men. To lift the mass of the toilet seat requires exerted effort and burning of precious manly kilojoules required for hunting and gathering whilst tearing away at muscle fibres and placing undue stress on bones and joints all of which are a contributing factor to arthritis and other aliments later in life. Bear in mind that some ‘stooping’ is also required which plays Hail Bloody Mary on the lower spinal column. In some reported cases men who show preference of one arm over the other have come away over time with “Popeye the Sailorman” Syndrome. This can have crippling effects for owners of older homes with solid wooden thrones.

However, and this is the key, the natural (and sometimes embarrassing) force of gravity (10 metres per second per second acceleration) ably assists the following sitter to reposition the ‘seat’ in the horizontal position. What, if any force expended in this most simple of processes is negligible in the overall context of the situation (Source; World Health Organisation).

Historical Proof

Coming from a mathematical, or logical reasoning, the use of the toilet totals eight standard and non-illegal acts (take note Chuck Berry); “woman sitting doing #1 and 2”, “man sitting doing #2”, “man standing doing #1”, “man sitting using iPhone” (which has long replaced the preceding “man sitting reading paper”), “man sitting whilst hiding and/or sleeping” (normally confined to public and work toilets), “man sitting whilst masturbating”, “woman kneeling while spewing”. Note that “man sitting while doing #1” has been excluded entirely on basis of being unmanly in the extreme. “Man kneeling while spewing” is also absent as men don’t need toilets to spew in. It was with hesitancy that I kept “man standing doing #1” in this list as man, created with a genius mind, has the ability to stand and do #1 where he chooses – this includes, but is not limited to: off the deck; in the garden; in public; on the side of a road; in hand basin; in shower; in bath et al.

So, with eight possible uses, seven are with the lid down. Normally this would suggest very strongly that the Suffragette argument has some merit. However the one use that goes against the trend more than makes the other seven voided beyond comprehension; if the lid is down during “men standing doing #1” the #1 in question is exponentially more likely to deposit over aforementioned seat with possible puddling on the floor. And in actual tests done in make-believe labs with pretend scientists, it is proven that the male ability to discern the difference between urine and floor tiles is impossible – akin to the more common ‘colour-blindness’, this male affliction has no common name, but in medical circles it is terrifyingly named Definitus Wasentmeeus.

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