the alfmeister

a figment of reality's imagination

What the Wuc are you on, man?!?


There’s a new girl in my life. I don’t know her name other than her alias Wuc. Don’t know where she lives except it is across the ‘deetch’. Don’t know what she does for a job but I am certain it is in an office. I don’t know her age, but will assume (the mutha of all fuck ups) she is old enough as she has her own site. Hell, I don’t even know for sure if she is a she! Yep, while this sounds like most of the girls I check out online this one is different…she makes me laugh.

I came across her blog a couple of months back and (as I told her) her humour makes the Cohen Brothers seem as dark as the seemingly translucent tan. Now while she is nowhere near as funny as myself – the alfmeister, a delicate mix of Benny Hill, John Cleese, Calvin & Hobbes with a dash of Stephen Fry (not the gay bit, not that there’s anything wrong with that), and the obligatory Billy “Fuck You” Connolly – she must no doubt be applauded for her concerted attempts to draw an audience together and extract a giggle here and there. But black humour (genre, not pigment) is a desired taste which is unfortunately not desirable amongst the larger proportion of the human race (these I like to call philistines) but for the true aficionados. Here is an up and coming queen of comedy (I use queen which covers the eventuality that she is a woman of high stature, or is in fact a man posing as said woman).

The down side is she (or at the risk of harping on, he) has given her heart to another; John Cusack. This is understandable to anyone who has ever seen Grosse Point Blank (although he came a close second behind Minnie Driver for me personally) but at the risk of sounding brokeback, he could fart on my fish and chips too if I was also a wearer of comfortable shoes (read Hush Puppies).

So please immerse yourself into her dark and decrepit world, a world where David Brents are a dime a dozen, where office relations means you work in the same business as your sibling, and Xmas parties are a 40 second dry root in the toner room.Yes, The Wuc has won the portion of my heart not afflicted with years of smoking and while we can never be – I could never go out with a woman who was too funny, that’s why I married Katie – I will still read her posts with a forboding sense of adultery under the covers at night with a torch.

PiS…the views on this post are most likely not those shared by The Wuc. And even if they were, I doubt she will ever admit to it.

PiSS…Be warned – she has a compulsion to lie. I was nearly sucked in with the old “I invented the piano tie” routine.

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