the alfmeister

a figment of reality's imagination

Time to pack…War-torn Somalia looks like a good alternative!


Well I think I have now heard it all…just when you think this country could not spiral any further in the mire of desolation after the re-election of Harawira in the far north, my mate Mike sends me a classic example of why the rest of the country thinks Auckland is some far-fetched territory where loons run for Mayors, lattes are as plentiful as criminals, and bureaucracy is just a catch-phrase of a by-gone era.

The Auckland District Health Board is considering discriminating against smokers that apply for jobs there, and the Auckland City Council (you voted Brown in so don’t complain) is smoke-freeing the central city for cardy-wearing, Jesus-sandel shod,  finger-waggling, kiddy-fiddling, dreadlocked, Kronic-smoking reactionaries – you know them as the common wanker.

So here I sit in front of my laptop, biting down hard on a wooden spade handle in an effort to stop spewing forth cuss-words and spittle aimed at the inadequacy and hopelessness of it all. And yet I feel more at peace in knowing that I only have to deal with magnitude 7+ earthquakes capable of dismembering me which is a sight lot better prospect than what awaits in the dark corridors of the criminally insane local body (more like out-of-body) councillors who make Kyle Chapman and his Right Wing Resistance look like a day out at a Hi-5 concert.

Well, where to from here? My sources tell me that the following changes to law and by-law have been scheduled to follow – in no particular order of preference;

  • anyone owning a motorbike larger than 49cc will be deemed as a motorcycle outlaw (hang on, that already exists!)
  • anyone with a Bob Marley CD or record (watch out Mike!) will be required to carry out urine tests every 14 days (unless of course it falls on such day where the ADHB or ACC are due to discuss pay increases for the respective boards, in which case the first available day following). Cassettes are excluded as  no-one owns such media…surely?
  • anyone who ever made a model kitset of a Ju87 Stuka, battleship Bismarck, or Tiger tank will be earmarked as a white supremest and thus exiled to live in state-funded housing in South Auckland to be removed from any possible racist ‘episodes’
  • anyone with tattoos, have had sex ever, or have seen Priscilla, Queen of the Desert, will be banned from providing blood as it is without doubt they are HIV positive, or have AIDS
  • those working for the ADHB and ACC are exempt from any responsibility should a repeat of the Queen St riots (take it away Mr Dobbyn) – BTW, I have it on good authority from the News of the World that all serving board members of the afore-mentioned authorities are in fact Act Party supporters and use council chambers to watch Sue Bradford’s home porn movies. They also have busts and oil paintings hanging from the said walls of their idols; Pol Pot, Stalin, Hitler, Mugabe, Thatcher, Tamaki, and other despots…

What makes me laugh are those comments from those in favour…now while I am not against freedom of speech (no more than I am pro-choice, freedom to dive in the realm of sharks, or consumption of a bottle of Gin and taking the virginity of a fat trans-sexual blonde in the alley-way behind the pub) but the arguments made by those who are for are as lamed-arsed as those made by priests walking into the boys shower-rooms by “accident”. Give me a break, the smell of used tobacco will always be a breath of fresh air when compared to the smell of stale shit still lingering on your tongue from the last rimjob you gave the boss at the after work drinks last Friday night…you Crawly-Crawly Bum Lick.

Vote for Me as your new leader in common-sense…

PiS…I feel like having a smoke just to piss them off!

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