the alfmeister

a figment of reality's imagination

Lost in translation…

It is an oft-quoted term that Poms are the biggest bunch of whingers in existence, and if this was based on topography, climate, leaders, personalities, achievements and culinary delights, this may well be the case.But their mantle at the top of this game is in such dispute that it is my belief the Brits have been accepting the plaudits worthy of such title fraudulently.

The true champions of bleakness, despair, and finger-pointing lies with the Kiwis (to the ill-informed, New Zealanders: to the Yanks, some country you haven’t yet invaded to save impeachment of a President). I Google’d the Kiwi (bird) to see if one of its physical traits was a tendency to whine and shift blame, but no authority (even Wiki) could confirm nor deny this fact…the same result occurred when I figured that the fruit might be a known complainer. Nope.

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Why such an attack on my adopted country?

I use the fallout from the last weekend; while New Zealander sports personalities fared well in Rugby League and Rowing, the media and nationals combined bemoan the losses by the Crusaders in the Super XV final, and the last-second capitulation (which started 45mins earlier) by the Silver Ferns in the World Netball Champs. Probably no big deal any other moment in time, however on the outside looking in, it takes on the most comical of proportions.

One radio commentator this morning went so far to say the best team in the Super XV did not win on Saturday night…riiiiiiiight…now I understand that ill-feeling in the pit of my stomach which I originally mis-diagnosed as my daughter’s pasta dish. I may not know the finer points and intricacies of modern professional rugby, but my understanding was the team that scores the most points over said opposition, and thus wins the game, and thus holds aloft the trophy, was the better team? Maybe Queensland should rescind the trophy and announce their title as null-and-void as it will surely come to them as nightmares in their sleep (A Christmas Carol?) that they have contravened world-wide opinion on the fact. How dare they class themselves champions when it is so obvious they are not. Disgusting behaviour which is no surprise considering their convict stock.

And so to the netball – it seems the same applies. Rather than Australia being given due to pull off a win on the biggest stage of all, they must be made to offer much sympathy for the Silver Ferns who must have trained harder, and better, and look a champion team. It is very unsporting that the Diamonds did not shake hands with the Kiwi’s at half-time when down by six goals. Everyone knows that such a lead is to be left, and respected, and any fight back is considered underhanded. In hindsight, I should have tossed my Aussie passport and renounced my affiliation of such icons as Bob Hawke and David Boon (unparalleled sobriety), Paul Hogan and Alan Bond (upstanding pillars of society), Greg Dyer and Peter Fitzsimmons (angelic world-class sport-superstars).

Hindsight being 20/20 I now propose that the following wrongs be righted immediately without due regard, because they so obviously deserve them;

  • The America’s Cup – what right does Alinghi have to win when all they did was turn up with a superior crew, tactics, and a boat that didn’t fall down around their ears and take on the guise of a submarine?
  • Rugby World Cup (five times) – when you are the best team in the world, and ranked as such, the insinuation that the All Blacks should have to play an opposition to earn the right to hold aloft such recognition is abhorrent. But in the interest of expanding the game to a larger audience, how about a two-tiered competition – Wallabies, Springboks, Tricolors and England in one, and New Zealand and the rest of the world in another with the winner being decided on points differential between the two table toppers. Seems fair.
  • Wimbledon,
  • Cricket World Cup – the powerhouse of modern cricket no doubt lies in NZ and when you look at their world-beaters; Martin, Mills, Oram, Ryder, and such, all stable and big game stalwarts. Despite the fact that the trophy has never been here other than on show or as photographed in papers is no excuse for the Aussies, Windies, and others to take it away. It used to be the team with the most runs that took the most wickets in the final normally earned the right to be called winners, something NZ must know all too well watching many finals from their hotel rooms having never been invited to play in one. Rephrased; please give us the cup? And take note – the underarm delivery WAS legal. Deal with it and move on.
  • While we are at it, maybe NZ could ensure their own success on the world stage by example of the greatest sporting nation ever – the United States of America: start-up an internal sports competition, spend millions branding it as a World Series, and then invite every country in the world called New Zealand. Ensure success by inventing a game that no-one else plays, win, and call yourselves World Champs.Done. Although I have my doubts that NZ could pull off such a feat – per capita, NZ has more cases of “the yips” than any other country, and if anyone could lose a NZ vs. NZ final, it would be NZ. Maybe Greg Norman is a Kiwi?

My dad once said to me; “Kiwi’s are the most level-headed people I know…they have a chip on both shoulders!”.

Ne’er a truer word spoken.

Written as I sit at work with my Aussie flag proudly draped around my shoulders looking every inch a Superhero…I just need to invest in some Australian printed y-fronts to wear outside my trousers and my alter-ego will be complete…now if this raises the ire of a nation, and they win the World Cup, great. At least it will shut them up.


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2 thoughts on “Lost in translation…

  1. Keith Eleftheriou on said:

    I got the following email from a good friend of mine, Blues supporter, season ticket holder at Eden Park, and holds a Britannica-like wealth of useless rugby information and stats in his head…i.e. he has nothing better to do that watch any and every game of rugby, and like my wife, can recite instances gone by as if to say “I told you so” such as his ability of recall (yet he can’t remember my birthday!). This comment from the NZ Herald sums up the NZ attitude to losing…

    Sharkey (New Zealand)
    10:57 AM Monday, 11 Jul 2011

    This exciting result for exhilarating running rugby also goes to show that you are only as good as your next game. New Zealand back line play in general has become too predictable and ponderous by comparison with what the Reds dished up. The Crusaders and the All Blacks rely too much on a possession and error-free game.

    We have taken over the South African “Big is better in the back line” mantle. Even the South Africans now are going for more pacey, clever back line players. As I said before, I love watching players like Cooper, Genia etc using guile and “true” speed off the mark to gain advantage. We have some players of this category, but not many.

    In the end though, an error free possession/percentage game may win the World Cup for teams like England, South Africa, New Zealand and England and perhaps France, but Australia will rely on the magnificence of their brave defence, “true” pace amongst the back line players and their canniness to seize the moment.

    Add a bit of grunt from some of the Waratah forwards, and these guys have got to be equal favourites for the World Cup and isn’t this a good thing for rugby. If we Kiwis think that the good of rugby lies in a predict


    The points I would like to draw on;
    1) apparently ‘posession” and ‘error-free’ is the curse of a poorly organised, trained and skilled team. Great. That gets me out of Thursday night rugby practise this season.
    2) 10, yep, 10 others “Like” this…
    3) A Kiwi agrees with an Aussie idea. Makes me think he is a ‘sleeper’.

    this is how it will pan out.
    1) All Blacks lose; Sharkey is a visionary and should immediately be cannonised.
    2) All Blacks win. Sharkey is slated a fuckwit, burnt at the stake as a heretic and the rest of the country’s memory banks will be instantly wiped like those scenes in Men In Black. Of course Henry and co will be added to Queen’s list like those bloody Pommie cricketers.
    3) Aussie wins. Mass suicide here except for those who realise and argue it only could’ve happened due to the Kiwi coach and ex-pat Kiwi players.
    4) South Africa wins. Kiwis will cry “drugs!”
    5) England wins…mass suicides in NZ, Australia, and South Africa.

  2. sachin on said:

    Your birthday is April 16 and you turn older next year. I know how old too – but I am not entirely sure if you want me to tell the he world i is 40!

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