the alfmeister

a figment of reality's imagination

Friday Drinks…Waikato Draught


As a friend of mine from Hamilton is coming down to stay, in his honour I dedicate this beer review to him. However, if he thinks he is going to offload any of this onto me, he can bloody well pack himself back on a plane and head back to whence he came.

 

Bitter? Nah, I think it was mispelt...meant to read Blatter, as in it tastes like Seth Blatter.

Now this review comes to you with a twist. I have not had a drink of Waikato Draught since I was in the Navy about 20 years ago. The stuff is vile, filth, and sometimes has me waking in the middle of the night in cold sweats…as if it had been poured (fetched is probably a better term) directly from the Waikato River itself; if the Taniwha who supposedly exists just south of Mercer does in fact urinate, I would guess this is probably what it would taste like.

So why did I drink it? Simple…there was nothing else, and when you are stuck on a ship that is hundreds of miles from any land for days on end, things start to get desperate, and I’m not talking about the lack of female company thank you! Posted to HMNZS Waikato we had an obligation (read Satanic Pact) with the brewers (HMNZS Tui stocked Tui) to carry their product on board, and as Beer & Wine Officer I had to oversee the loading of anywhere up to 10 or more pallets of this stuff below decks depending on the length of cruise.

 

because you just never know when you will need to fend off evil spirits. Also useful for laying on the road for burnouts...

When rum rations ended (“splice the main brace”) all ratings were rationed two cans per person, per night. They were required to drink it then and there but as was customary it was stashed to be consumed the night before entering home port again, much to the consternation of wives and girlfriends. It was one of my jobs to try to locate it, something which was only given cursory due. I could understand them hiding it, if they weren’t in fact biffing it over the side, but if they wanted to subject themselves to such sadomasochistic tendencies, who am I to stand in their way?

Still, without knocking it too much, it made a great lubricant when the oil bearing bust on the main shafts, and at times it could be used to top up the diesel tanks.

Best served in a dog’s bowl, or as a weed-killer. Not to be consumed in public.

 

So normally I try to find girls that advertise. This was all I could find. Now making some sense.

 

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2 thoughts on “Friday Drinks…Waikato Draught

  1. Darren on said:

    I didn’t know you had any actual friends in Hamilton. I hope he’s not there while I am staying.

    As for the Waikato Draught – terrible shit. Nobody actually drinks it up here it’s mostly exported to far-flung back waters like Te-Kuiti, Turangi, Henderson and Tonga. Kind of our way of getting one back on the rest of you for the constant ridicule, jokes about fog, cows and easy-drunkin-girl-racer-slappers. All of which is quite true I’m afraid.

    Hamilton – “City of the Future”

    If this is the future I want my money back.

    P.S I’ll be sure to pick up 2 or 3 of those wanky Auckland beers for you and a few casks of wine and black sambuca for the mrs. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go, Daisy the cow just took a crap in the lounge, some little gangsta is trying to steal the badges off my Torana and I can’t remeber where I left my other gumboot.

    • Keith Eleftheriou on said:

      Folks, while it sounds like that Darren has a sharp wit and is giving the impression that he is in fact a three-fingered banjo player of higher than average IQ (which in the Waikato stands at 13.5), what you have to understand is that he is not kidding…
      Darren, thanks for accepting our invite down here to CHCH in this time of need. Since the earthquake damaged my ride-on mower (which would be classed as an up-spec’d drifter in the Tron) we needed someone to spray the weeds on our 2 acre paradise, and frankly I’m not that keen on using the Bromide I have stashed away, I figured someone with obvious defects and deformaties such as yourself may in fact be immune to its side-effects. And even if you did happen to lose another finger, I’m sure your family will still accept you as part of the gene pool expansion up there (hey, two fingers are better than four!). Please don’t be afraid of the plane, they all make that noise, especially as they plummet into the ground like a fucken dart!

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