“Oi! When you said home videos, I didn’t expect that!!”
This is a true story that still makes me and those involved (or at least most parties) crack up when we recall it…for those about to read it, I must warn you, it does contain specific, if not graphic, sexual references…strictly speaking is it ‘sex’ when it is DIY? Either way, don’t blame me if you are easily offended, but then again, I don’t care, it’s my blog and I’ll blog if I want to!
This story goes back about 12 years when I was in car sales in Auckland. A mate of mine who used to work with me a couple of years earlier and had since taken up a role with a warranty company used to pop in now and again and shoot the breeze, and we used to have the odd beer too. fair enough to say we were pretty good mates. He had recently split from his wife of quite a few years and he was due to have the kids the coming weekend and he asked if he could use my video camera so he could get some video of them at the pools. Sure, I said, no probs with that, I felt sorry for the guy over the whole split up (which, trust me, is a story in itself!).
It might have been a couple of weeks later he dropped the camera into me and asked if I could dub it to a VHS tape he gave (my camera was Sony) of which I was more than happy to oblige, and he could pick it up the next time he was in for a cuppa. That night I set it all up and started transferring from the camera to tape…I started watching and sure enough, here were his kids playing at a local pool.
I was flatting with a Pom who had recently immigrated to NZ, and started working with us, and we got on well and I invited him to stay with me as I had recently broken up and had room to spare. We went out on the deck of my place and were having a beer or two and smoke while the tape continued in the house. I remember at one point thinking ‘shit, the vid’ and went back inside and up to the TV…the screen was blank which indicated that filming was over, but as I reached to the camera to turn it off a picture flickered on so I backed off.
Immediately I knew what I was looking at, it was Geoff’s house, more specifically his bedroom as I had the tour when he and his (then) wife were renovating the house – I always remember the massive palm growing up through the deck, that was pretty cool. But back to the video, why his bedroom, more specifically, why was it showing his bed centre shot? Tragically I was to find out…
In stepped Geoff, walked past the camera one way, then back past the other way, always looking for something, then he placed something on the end of the bed, pulled his shorts off, turned his arse to the camera and pulled his bum cheeks apart!!! I spat my beer out all over the place and called to Paul to ‘get in here quick, you won’t believe this!’. Paul came in just as Geoff started to wank, slowly but surely. I got on the phone to Geoff, he answered and my first question was; ‘So what exactly do you want me to dub for you?’ Paul gave it away as all that could be heard was ‘You’re a wanker! You’re a wanker!’ ABout this time it became clear to Geoff just what we were saying…”um, um, um…” was all he could muster at that point, but he eventually moved to things like ‘My wife was videoing me, I videoed her first but I thought I had cleared it all…’ etc etc etc…Yeah, Right!
For the record, it took 3:23 seconds and afterwards, he wiped himself clean with the tissues he had left on the end of the bed earlier. Sure sign of being taped by someone else…
And as an end note, I took a copy into work the following day and showed everyone…no-one ever shook his hand again after that, nor would we eat his muffins he used to bring in.